Sunday, September 2, 2012


Okay this is going to get confusing, but everything is so overwhelming right now. So don't expect much.

(August 31st I think)
Wow, yesterday was such a long day! It was pretty miserable; with the “thrush” my steroid is making me develop, and my increasing symptoms. They’re getting pretty bad. But I can do hard things. Diane surprised me a strawberry smoothie!

 I was really discouraged until we went to Dairy Queen and got cookie dough blizzards. We then went back to the room. Then, Jordyn and my dad showed up. I cried. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. Jordyn is my 2nd half. It was like when she showed up, Rachel was completed!

I just have to understand it’s a reaction. It will go away. This is going to take time. I’ve learned so much patience. I can’t feel sorry for myself here. I’m okay. One breath at a time. I still have my bucket list, that I will accomplish. Watch out!

Everyone keeps saying, "You are so brave", "how do you do it?" Well I don’t have a choice. Nothing I say or do, think or want, is going to change my situation. The only thing I can control is my attitude. I’m choosing to be brave. I’m choosing hope. Ultimately I know everything is in the Lords hands, and his timing is perfect, I’m just trying to find out what he has in store for me. I believe it’s something big.

But I know what he has in store for me is the only way.

There was a celebrity we saw today at St. Judes, so that was pretty cool! Jon Hamm.

After giving Jordyn the tour today of the clinic today, and my radiation at 10, we’re free til Tuesday! Which is another crazy day. I need to rest up. So currently we’re finding things to do in Memphis. It’s so different here. And at the same time the same. So funny the little things that happen every day. God is going to be such an interesting person to meet.

(2 days ago?)
The weather here is really bad. The hurricane hit. Tornado warnings. So that's why I haven't been able to post. Besides everything being overwhelming. Power just went on and off again!

We found an Urban Outfitters like 10 minutes away.

(right now)

Oh no, we may have to evacuate, UGH! This storm is killing me. Just got a call telling us to pack up our stuff. Okay this is going to be fast and scattered, but I can't do anything with this circumstance I'm in. It's harder than I thought. Scarier. Tornado.

We saw the ducks at the peabody. There were 5 haha! Big deal. 

Okay I'm scared. And frustrated.

Lastly I'd like to mention my appreciation of the support. I love you guys.

It's all so overwhelming with the stuff and everything. 

Oh yeah, unplanned trip to the hospital today.

Okay I'm done. Worst day yet.

I can do hard things.


I'll regret posting this at 2 AM. Haha.


  1. Rachel,

    You CAN do hard things! I just wanted to comment about the part you said everyone keeps saying you are so brave and how you have no choice, so you choose to be that way. I just wanted to say, that right there, is what amazes me. you CHOOSE to try to stay positive, and to keep fighting. and some people don't! I LOVE your attitude. some people are just like forget it. they don't want to try, and they are miserable, and they choose to be that way. That is why you inspire me, because I feel I could not go through what you are going through. I would probably be one of those bah-hum-bug people, instead of saying you know what? this is happening for a reason and I can do it. That is AMAZING to me Rachel. and YOU are teaching ME things, about life, and about myself. I need to change! Rachel, stay strong, I know that you can do it! I will continue to keep you in my prayers and thoughts!



  3. Rachel,
    Jennie here, I want you to know even though we aren't the best of friends I am praying for you. I was just thinking about you day in fact. I had picked up one of the yearbooks we worked on together. Good times. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. I can't even believe you. YOU always say your post are terrible. When in fact, they are amazing. I'll just show mr. downs your blog and he'll say, "Rachel doesn't need my class. I couldn't possibly help her. Her writing is already too incredible."
    Rachel. You are so strong and incredible. Holy Heck.
    I just finished reading the most amazing book. It's changed my life!! I am making Tanner read it. It was so inspiring and cute. I bawled the whole time. Can you imagine seeing such an ugly site?
    We are praying and fasting for you at home. I'm so excited that you are coming home for homecoming possibly. It's fantastic. I want to watch you get all ready :) I've been looking at your pictures. I'm jealous. You are so beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside too. Your light pours out from you. Keep strong. Keep letting your light shine. It is so inspiring to all of us. I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU!!!!!

  5. Rachel! You have been on my mind constantly and in my prayers. We pray for you in Sunday school and young women's! Ha I just want to say that I truly believe you can do hard things. And hey, it's fine to get a little frustrated every once in a while. ((just remember to not get TOO upset or I'll have to refer you to Edgar, and he will share with you the anger management handout he still has from 7th grade;). )) you're loved by many and are setting a great example to people you don't even know! Keep it up girl! And remember its always better to look up! :)

  6. You are an amazing person wrap in God's arms and love. Keep believing and having faith.

  7. You could go to Graceland when the weather clears. That's all I know about in Memphis.

    We continue to pray for you. Our family fasted for you again today. I used to love fasting, then I got old and fat and it got harder. It's a joy again now because of you. I think I pray more for you than I do my own children right now and I don't even know you very well.

    In testimony meeting today, Brother Robinson talked about how everything we have comes from God, everything we are blessed with has its source in Him. The only thing we truly own of ourselves is our agency. How we choose to use it is our gift to Him. It was a great testimony.

    Your attitude is your gift to Him. You are right--nothing you can do or think or say will change that you are going through this. But oh how you shine!

  8. Stay strong girlie! I don't even know you and I pray for you AT LEAST 3 times a day, usually more. It kinda reminds me of the song 'say a little prayer for you' where it's a little prayer a bunch of times a day. Enjoy your family time! Keep on fighting.
    Much love,

  9. Thank you for your posts, it helps me to be more specific in my prayers for you. You are right, you can DO hard things, and you are doing them every day! We love you and continue to pray for you! Hang in there sweetie, this is a tough battle, but Heavenly Father has given you the best battle buddies ever to help you through. Your Mom and Dad, Rachel, and your whole family, an amazing ward family, countless friends who are all praying for you, and most importantly the love of the Savior. Remember His promise? "I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up". We believe! Love and prayers from Korea.

  10. I fasted for you today (in my own way-I'm nursing my baby so I cannot fully fast-but I KNOW my modified fast for you still counts!) thought about you during testimony meeting, all day at chirh everyone seemed to keep saying te same thing...that they were in a certain position, city, house, job, etc for a reason-the Lords purpose. It was strange that all church that was what people kept testifying about without much variation. The spirit confirmed it to me, that if you somehow just "roll with it" (or like you said, be brave because yoi have no other choice) it will be revealed to you why you are in the situation you are....I hope it's not annoying that people say over and over how amazing you are, it is very true, reading your blogs, it shows what a wonderful young women you and a beautiful daughter of God. You will get through this. Alllll they way from California!

  11. Oh Rachel, I love you so much! You've been on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers constantly. Even my little boy remembers to pray "Please bless Rachel to get better" in his prayers because Eric and I say that in every prayer we say. We all miss you tons. Orem just isn't the same without you. I appreciate your sweet, strong attitude and your choice to stay positive! I also hope you know that it's okay to have bad days, too. I love that your blog is real and that you give it to us straight. Please don't ever feel like you have to censor how you feel. I feel wicked to say this because I know that Heavenly Father sent this trial to you for a purpose, but I would take it from you in a second. My heart breaks that you're suffering and I wish that I could make everything all better. Since I can't trade places with you, I'll just keep fasting and praying and offering to do anything that you can think of that you want. I really will drive the girls out there! I can send packages, we can skype you from mutual on wednesday nights and from class on sundays! I would do anything to make your pretty face keep smiling! Just say!
    Please Diane that we love and miss her, too. I'm grateful that Jordyn got to come see you; I'm sure she feels so lost without you at home. Pretty soon, that miracle we've been praying for will come and you'll be home where you belong! I love you, Rachel, and pray the Lord to send you strength, peace, and joy. You are wonderful! I still get up in the night with my kidlets, so if you ever need someone to talk to or text, I'm available anytime (even in the day, too!). I know it's lame to have an older lady as a texting buddy, but I still feel young in my heart:) 801.669.7428. Seriously, tell me anything you want, need, or crave, I have it there in no time!!!! Love you, Cutie!!

  12. WHAT>??>??? Tornados? I hope you guys are ok. Am I a sicko that I have always wanted to see a tornado... but not have it cause any damage? I know I am weird! Rach, I love you! I want you to know we fasted for you and Jordan and the whole family today! We love you! I'm sorry today was rough. You're amazing and even in the rough days, you are so optimistic. I can learn so much from you! I Miss your guts! Come home soon...for good! =)

  13. You remind me of Captain Moroni. You are a great leader and missionary whether you realize it or not. I can't say that I know what you are going through, but I know that our Savior has and I can see your testimony of him through your eyes and in your posts. We are praying and fasting for you and your family. Love, Brande

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  15. No regrets even at 2 am :) Your amazing to take the time to post. We are all thinking of you wishing we could do something to help. Your in the thick of it but your cheerleading stands are full and we are cheering you on through prayer. Keep your head held high and give it your best BORN TO WIN!!!

  16. Your comment - "God is going to be such an interesting person to meet." - made me smile and tear up at the same time. I know 1st hand that the beauty, comfort and joy when that day comes cannot be put into words. It is the warmest warmth, the most comforting comfort, and beauty that exceeds earthly senses.

    Keep holding on. Your are such an superb example of faith, kindness, love, and hope. Your testimony is nothing less than amazing.

  17. Looks like the weather in Memphis has cleared up. Hooray!

  18. What was the unplanned trip to the hospital for? Has your dad and sister left yet? Sending your lots of hugs!

  19. Your amazing! sonia xox

  20. Praying for you! You can do it! "I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me!"


  21. Just want you to know your blog has found its way to England! Reading your blog is a true inspiration, you are so strong, there needs to be more Rachel's in this world! Even though I am a non believer in a way I am still praying in my own way for you and hope you beat this.... X

  22. You're the best! I love you!!!! Be safe in that scary storm. You're in my prayers as well as the young women in my ward. :)

  23. Everyone is allowed to have some bad days once in a while. I'm so happy that your Dad and sister were able to go and visit you guys. Must have been a great reunion :)
    we are all thinking of you and include you in our prayers daily.
    Thanks for the updates. I hope you guys are ok from the storms. That must have been a bit scary too.
    Have you found anything fun to do in Memphis besides Costco :) Glad they are everywhere.
    Love the Dean's

  24. Rachel,
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings through this experience. As far as the idea of everyone dying one day I think of it a lot. Being a young mother I feel a huge responsibility over raising my boys and I think to myself when I die and stand before my God I will be accountable for my actions. This self evaluation helps me to use more love and patience. I think it's essential for everyone I realize their mortality. Not as a depressing or scary thought but as a reminder of how brief our time on Earth can be. Just like you said we need to do our best to enjoy every minute. So next time my children are running around the house naked dripping water and soap everywhere I will do my best to laugh...before I help them clean up the mess. You have a beautiful testimony and a wonderful gift in your sister. I always wanted a twin. You are blessed to have each other even with the miles that separate you at present. Remember that while you may strive through grief and pain He is there and His peace you can obtain.
    Much love, Jesi

  25. Rachel, I hope God blesses you with a GOOD day today! You are such a testimony to faith and goodness. You are a teacher, a messenger of God and the truth:) If we would all reach out and touch someone what a better world this "heaven on earth" would be!! Prayers calm us and are answered. All my love from Iowa being sent and a big grandma hug and prayer for comfort and peace...Dominic's granny Marla

  26. Rach,
    i am sure you are sick of hearing how much you are changing our lives back here in Utah but seriously.... everyone is inspired by you. i also wanted to tell you my prayers go out to you daily and i know in my heart things are going to work out. Cancer is not the boss of you, YOU are the boss of cancer. i love you:)