Monday, September 3, 2012

Scattered thoughts again, perhaps forever!

Okay, I'm trying today a bit differently. I'm in a good mood right now so I figured I'd post as fast as possible before I get negative.

I tried posting the video of me and Jordyn first meeting up and all that jazz, but everything is beyond OVERWHELMING.

I may have my mom start posting for me, (Diane) at some point. But who knows right now!

Everything is just coming down on me! I'm trying to stay positive, but things are REALLY hard.

Right now my emotions are way worse than anything physical that I'm facing. One minute I'm strong and happy, the next I'm in bed thinking I'm going to die. I wish time would pass faster, but I know I need to stay patient.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

I remember the first time I got an A- in my eighth grade history class, I bawled. I thought it was the end of the world. I remember that affecting my mood for an entire month. So it's a little different to have this perspective. I feel like I've learned more in the last month than I have in my entire life.

I wish I could say everything on my mind, everything that I'm learning, but in an eternal perspective I'll remember it all.
(getting happier)

Anyways, I'm done with my appetite. Which is so good, because I am getting so much bigger it's been a trial today! Lets say I'll be sore in the morning. It's hard at times, but I know it's going to go down, I'm just learning to control it, and do just the right amount of exercise and eating. Motivation! Everything is such a process. Self esteem is never something I've struggled with, but lets add it to the list!

Today I have developed an appreciation for those people (well everyone) but today who have self esteem issues. It is hard. It is NOT a fake problem. All I have to say, and I'm no professional, probably have no room to talk, but you are beautiful. No matter how ugly you feel, depressed, worthless, you are a child of God. He loves you and knows how hard of a situation we're dealing with. He suffered with it too. He's felt everything we have. One day, none of this will be a care, which is hard to think about.  But if I had any advice, keep your head high. You are the most beautiful you that there will ever be.

I don't even want to start thinking about tomorrow. It's one breath at a time around here. ESPECIALLY in my depressed moments.

(Wait now I'm happier...)

Okay, shout out to my fellow Orem High classmates, and hopefully everyone else reading this, if I had one wish, (wait I do hahahhahahaha!)

Side note: we joke "I WANT ALL THE PEABODY DUCKS" hahaha there's 5. I think it is so funny how big of a deal they made over it.

Okay back on track: I would wish everyone would be included. Someones sitting alone? Go sit by them. No one deserves to be alone. Everyone, no matter what choices they've made, or who they are, EVERYONE matters. We're all a big family. Someone is always having a worse day than you, if you don't have something good to say, DON'T SAY IT. If there's a way you can brighten one persons day, even just by a smile, do it. Lunch time at school, yeah we've all been in the awkward lonesome situation. Don't let this happen to anyone. You don't know them? Meet them today! Life is too short and unpredictable to not live as happily as possible. If there's anything you do today, cheer someone else up. It will cheer you up too.

Today we went to the pink palace. It was fun. We went to the mall as well. But things got, well lets say overwhelming. I'll spare you guys the details, my side affects are just increasing (as expected but not wanted!) I'm trying to complain less. We were going to do a whole day of fun and the zoo and stuff, but you know. This is 1,000,000,000 x harder than I thought it was going to be.

One thing that I realized at the mall is that (don't let this depress you) but we're all going to die. It's a fact. I guess it was all the people around. It's our nature. But it was weird to be there and know we are all going to die. We were born to die. It's sad. But there's something way better after this! But life is great. Enjoy every second. Every long line you have to stand in, tedious things that happen to you, frustrations you can't handle, laugh.

It's hardest for me knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this. It's all of us. Most people have been affected by this and that is SO hard for me. I wish I was the only one having to do this. I hate that my mom had to move with me, that I had to leave my friends, that this is hard on everyone. Not just me.

This is random, but something random and ironic is that I've always wanted to be a neurologist.

So Jordyn and my Dad leave tomorrow. I'm scared. But I am going to have her write anything she has to say right now!

(I'm excited too!)

Jordyn- I don't quite know what Rachel's wanting me to write about.. but I will say that this experience has some good in all this bad. I've felt and seen so many small miracles already! It's been good seeing how she's being treated here at St. Jude. It's hard to see her go through this, but she is such a strong girl and I know that she's going to be okay! Somehow I've been okay through all of this. Rachel is inspirational to me and she keeps making me want to change myself for the better. I have seen her change a lot already and she continues to change. She's strong and I really admire her for that! It's been kind of crazy at home without my mom and my clone, but it's gotten easier. Rachel and I have always been together. I'm pretty sure before all of this happened, the longest we had been apart from each other was 5 days. So, yeahhh it's been a HUGE change! It's okay though. After being here at St. Judes for a few days, I know that this is for sure where she is SUPPOSED to be. Everything and ever story is really so incredible here. The atmosphere here, although completely different from Utah, is so amazing. I can't wait for her to finally come home, but I'm so glad she's here! Rachel's great and she is and will always be my best friend! I love her to death! She's the strongest girl I know.

I'm back. LOVE HER!

Okay so I set a goal today. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Here's a part of my journal that I recorded in that time frame
"Today I'm trying not to cry once."  It's now 11:11 AM and already so hard. I wish for time to pass. We went to pink palace. It's really hard. Really extremely hard. But might as well be happy. I really wanna do this no crying thing. I got legit fat today. IT's so hard but motivation. Crying uh oh. Tears of laughter. Hardest thing of my life. Failed. Lasted til 1:50 pm ish" TMI? Haha.

Moral of the story, if you need to cry, Just do it. Crying is NOT a bad thing. Actually helps me a lot. Oh and by the way I didn't fail, that was just my breaking point!

Althougth I'm afraid for Jordyn and my dad to leave (who I've been able to bond with so much more)  I'm so grateful for Diane it'll be a good thing. Tomorrow is a BIG day that I'm not going to think about!

Back to the how do you do it question: The one thing in my life right now, the only thing keeping me going, is my testimony. I don't- rather any of us- know what's going to happen. We were all born to die, and don't let this be offensive to any of you, this is just MY opinion, but there's something in store for us after. Something big, something wonderful. Yeah it's weird to think about, but all I know right now, is that I am important. We all are. We're all in the race of life. We all struggle over even simple little things everyday. We're all in this together (no high school musical reference intended haha)

Thank you so much for all of your support. I can't even begin to describe my appreciation. Another one of my problems!


I can do hard things! (Basically my motto right now haha)




  1. You're a queen. Since you've been posting "I can do hard things" it has become a motto for me as well. I love ya!!!!

  2. You're inspiring more people than you could even realize. Thank you so much!

  3. that was a great post! I love what you said about meeting new people and not letting people be alone. Sorry Rachel, I will probably be commenting on all of your posts!! haha. but to me you always have something to say that is just like..Wow..I need to work on doing this or being that way. Rachel, Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with us. I'm sorry that it is hard but you are teaching us so much, and even though I don't know you personally, you are already so special to me and you mean a lot to me an I love reading your posts and you always teach me something.

    Thank you, Rachel


  4. Rachel...I don't know you. I can't even remember how I came across your blog (FB I think), but I've been reading since your second post. You are so wise beyond your years. You are amazing. You are such an inspiration to me. I get so irritated and worked up over minuscule things. Then I read what you are going through, what so many others are going through. From 90 year old little ladies to little babies going through cancer treatment...I'm such a fool! I feel so stupid and selfish for getting upset that my show didn't record, or I got a stain on my shirt. Such unimportant ridiculous irritants in the grand scheme of things. I will continue to check your blog daily. While I am not a religious person, I admire you for your strong faith. You and your family will be in my thoughts daily. I wish you nothing but the best. Be happy, smile that beautiful smile through the tears, you are beautiful. I have strongly believe you will be a miracle. You WILL beat this!

  5. Rachel, You amaze me!...How funny that Tricia said "you are wise beyond your years"....I can't believe it, but I just told your mom the other day, that your grandma told me the very same thing about her. I can't get you and your family off of my mind, you guys are in my prayers all the time. I am a person who cries, and I cry a lot! (you can ask your mom about that one!) If you feel like crying, you go ahead and cry! I rate movies higher, if it made me cry, I laugh longer, if it makes me cry! Crying is an awesome way to release all that is bottled up inside. Believe it or not, I have run across people in my life who would give anything, if they could cry. I have a rule, nobody cries alone in my presence, which at times can be really somewhat of a curse. Last week I was leading music in Relief Society, I looked down and some of my friends had tears in their eyes...and I started crying and couldn't finish singing the song...I was just standing up there waving my arm, with tears in my eyes and a big lump in my throat! I know that there is no place that your mom would rather be, than with you right now...I know that you will both be so happy to go home when the time comes, but for right now, you have each other...what an amazing gift! You are being such an amazing example to so many, it's crazy how so many of us are being lifted and inspired by your blog. "Forever Rachel" is Forever Changing the lives of those who love you and your family. and we are praying for you everyday.

  6. There are so many things I could say, but it all basically comes down to the fact that you, Rachel Stratton, are flippin' amazing. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!
    Love, the Huish family

  7. Rach :) I love you. Part of your post reminded me of a scripture. Hebrews 12:1-2

  8. Rachel you are a amazing. Just be the wonderful person God created you to be...a total inspiration.

  9. I love your motto :) You've already overcome so much, I know you have the strength to keep doing all those hard things.

  10. Just found your blog and read all of it! Hope you don't mind since you don't know me, and I know that sounds really creepy but I admire you so much and am sending you prayers and good wishes.

  11. Add me to your list of people you don't know who's reading your blog...well actually I know your sister Lauren who was in a few of my photography classes and I saw her post this on FB. Anyways just wanted to say how much you are an inspiration. I'm praying for you and that you'll be that small statistic that lives through it b/c the world just wouldn't be the same without you in it...I can see that for myself just after reading through your posts. Here's hoping that tomorrow will be your best day yet at St. Jude's!

  12. Rachel I love you!! I miss your laugh and smile so much! I admire you so much for being able to stay so positive and keep yourself so focused on God and his plans for you. You're such an amazing girl and I believe in you! You can make it and I know how extremely strong and faithful you are! Don't forget we all love you and are praying for you back home! I can't wait for you to come back baby girl! Miss you!

  13. Rachel, dear Rachel, i want to take all of these things away from you! But then i would be way interfering in Heavenly Father's plan. It's ALWAYS so much harder to see how it will all work out in the future. I have felt beyond the lowest of my lows. I know what despair feels like. I know how it hurts. But now that i've gone through it, i can feel the true love of Jesus Christ, charity, for those going through the same thing. Maybe that's part of the master plan for you, maybe there is someone who needs you in your future. Keep reading the posts of everyone who has read your blog and said how inspirational you are! We can all feel your love for us when you say thanks, it's enough for us Rachel ;) don't worry yourself over that right now. Your trial is not just your own, you're right- BUT it's giving all of those around you the chance to grow too. If we let ourselves be the tool Heavenly Father needs, lives will be changed for the better. Someday Rachel you will see and know all of the good that is coming from this. This is THE hardest trial i think anyone can have, and here you are doing amazingly through it! You have your testimony that you're leaning on, that's exactly right! You are encouraging others through this - that's incredible! Just be sure to give yourself your own time to deal with these challenges, the Earth was not made in a day, and Heavenly Father rested afterwards. Take your time, let yourself cry, it's healing, it's healthy. It's cleansing sometimes. Hey I've been thinking about how you said a while ago that you like to make bracelets, what if you started making bracelets to raise $ and awareness for childhood cancer since September is childhood cancer awareness month? What if we all helped? What if all of us made friendship bracelets and sold them and sent you the $ and we included a note that said something about being a friend, something like what you posted today. What do you think? Let us know, we'll do it anyway untill you tell us what you want to do. Hang tight through tomorrow, you WILL make it through this. Rachel, I know Christ is with you through this. He really is, He really really is. Love, sarah hale.

  14. Rachel sweetie as one Cancer patient to another... CANCER SUCKS! I went up to LDS Hospital Friday and met with my radiation team Dr. Sause and his intern Dr. Lee. I mentioned you, and they knew who you were. I know what you mean about emotions. I sometimes just cry and want to through things and destroy things. I often hope that Heavenly Father has a purpose and plan as to why we are to go through this.

    They say when you are diagnosed with Cancer... your whole family, loved ones and friends are also diagnosed too.... It's hard on everyone. I DO understand what you are going through.....

    Love you!

  15. Your honesty and blunt, matter-of-factness is so powerful. You say it how it is, and you tell us how you see\feel it. Thank you, Rachel. This blog will touch people for generations to come. God bless you!

  16. I hope you have a sense of the affect your beautiful light is having on hundreds and hundreds of people, Sweet Rachel. Thank you for your honesty and candor, your wisdom and faith. You are teaching us and connecting us as we unite our love and prayers in your behalf. Heavenly Father's tender love is real. Miracles are real.

  17. That was a crazy storm this weekend, no doubt! We were at Taco Bell eating dinner (yuck, I know, but sometimes you gotta) when it hit - power going out, water creeping in. Crazy! Glad it wasn't more severe. And hey - don't knock the Peabody ducks - they are legend around here! Haha!

    You said today would be a tough day; I pray that you feel peace and the presence of the Spirit as you weather a different kind of storm. We are all right there with you in this 'tornado.'

    Love and hugs and prayers!

  18. Reading your blog always brings me back to reality--spiritual reality, that is. You make me remember that life really is about faith, love, relationships (both divine and mortal), submissiveness, and TRUST. I love how, even though you are sick and scared and frustrated, you are CHOOSING to trust in our Heavenly Father and in His plan for you. You are absolutely right about Him having something big in store for you. You are already doing big things by sharing your insights and testimony with others. I love and appreciate you and pray for you and your family often. Hugs to you and Diane!
    P.S. I agree with Sarah--crying is AWESOMELY cleansing and healing. So cry away and let your loved ones (God included) hold you as you do. Take care, beautiful girl!

  19. Rachel... I am a mother to three daughters one of which is 13. She came across your blog somewhere and showed it to me. We check back every couple of days to read and laugh and cry with you. You are truly a blessings and make no mistake that all your thoughts and positive attitude it making a difference in so many people's lives. We are an American family living in Germany. Just think... You have made yourself known in Europe!! My daughter has started finding little trinkets for you from here to send you a care box from us. We pray for you and your family everyday. Keep your faith and wonderful spirit and know that your struggle is for a purpose so keep your faith! <><

  20. Rachel...I can't even begin to explain how much of a role model you are to me. I get excited everytime I see you've blogged again (thank you CuteGirlsHairstyles for sharing your story). Your strength mentally, physically, but especially spiritually are just incredible and you are such an inspiration to so many people!!!!!! I want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers. Stay strong Rachel <3

  21. Rachel, you don't know me but your blog has really moved and inspired me as well. Thank you for so freely sharing your thoughts and feelings with us as you go through this incredible challenge. I hope the outcome is your complete cure from which you go on to live a long, healthy, meaningful life and that you always inspire others. I wanted to share with you a link to some words from Rainer Maria Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet." Reading him always makes me feel better and I hope you find him helpful as well. Here's the link:

    Love, Irene

  22. Praying for you!! Stay positive. I know it's easier said than done, but you are an amazing girl! You are touching SO many lives!!

  23. Rachel, been thinking about you a lot lately! But I hadn't been able to check your blog due to my own health the last few days. (Long story save that for later). I am glad you are staying strong, even when you don't think you are, you are! Don't know if you have been able to cross paths with Levi Ewing and his mom Alicia at all, but if not, I think of both of you. I know we don't really know each other but I am glad that our lives have crossed paths! I know you are concerned about your hair and you feeling bigger. I get it, trust me. I have been the same size for 18 years and because of my medications for my health I have put on 30 lbs in 8 months. Still a struggle , not going to lie, but I just like you are beautiful daughters of God! One good point, lol, I can now say I have curves for the first time in my life, lol! (Besides during my pregnancies) . As for the hair, I don't have experience with that but I am a cosmetologist and there are so many things you can do now these days, like eyebrow pencil or powder and stencil them in, and there are false eyelashes, you could probably have a lot of fun with those! And than of course wigs! Now when can you change your hair color so often without damaging it, lol! Or just rock the bandanas or your head. Think of yourself as g.i. Jane!except you are stronger. My husband is military, so me and my kids are used to sending out "care packages", so as my health allows I will get a package together and send it out. It just may take a little bit, as I have good days and bad days. Anyway, sorry I have written a novel! Hope your day went better than expected! Prayers your way!

  24. Rachel, Thank you so much for everything! You are such a great example to me! You always make me happy and feel included. I miss you so much!!! And you are so amazing and beautiful! I think about you a lot. Your positive attitude spreads to everyone. Thank you! We all miss you and are praying for you!

  25. Felt depressed today. Then read your posts and suddenly I felt lighter, almost like a wieght had been lifted. You are a true inspiration. I know that as long as you give it your all and belive in your heavenly father things will turn out as they should be.

    P.S. What's the most digusting joke anyones ever told you.

  26. Hi! I can't remember where I found this blog, but I think you're so strong! I wish you the best in your treatment. God bless, Chloe