Sunday, September 30, 2012

It's Rachel again!

After irradiation treatment

My friend Scarlett, she is shy.

Sisters, on my visit home a couple of weeks ago.

 Waiting for the shuttle to go to St Jude, typical day.

 St. Jude Riders. In order to do the ride each biker has to raise $1,000, this couple each rode their own bike so they raised $2,000. This is the 6th year for this group and they have raised over 2 million dollars in that time for St Jude.  So many amazing people.
 Memphis Zoo

 My Uncle Rick and Aunt Becky who came to visit.
 Rachel and Diane
 Spending the day in the medicine room for multiple blood tests.  Kettle Corn is a great comfort food.

 Raspberries.  Not as great as ours at home but still good.
 Our Zoo Boo shirts from the Memphis Zoo
Well, I know I said it was going to be hard, and that I'm in for a long ride, but it has really taken it's toll! But as of today we're I'm down to 7 more radiation treatments.
Anyways, pictures speak louder than words, so that's next!  (Diane added a few captions.)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hair today less hair tomorrow

Rachel here, pretty self explanatory by the the pictures, that today- is the day...

This is a necklace that my Aunt had made for me. Its says "I can do hard things"

Diane here, Rachel and I cried today but we are not alone.  Each day we learn and grow from others who are also fighting the battle of cancer, it does not discriminate.  Today we saw a baby that was first diagnosed at  6 weeks old.  Today we also got to read about the amazing support that continues to grow for Rach, via this Daily Herald article.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


Well, this is Diane again.  Rachel will be back but for now it is important for her to save her energy for getting better.  I will do my best to give you a basic update for the last week, I am sorry that I do not share the same wit and humor as Rach.  As you know Rachel has been on a high dose of steroids for some time and we are now nearing the end, we are down to 3 mg a day as of today.  This is something to be excited about.  We are getting close to the mark where there should be little or no side effects and once the the residual side effects go away things will improve.  We want you to know that Rachel is physically strong and spiritually strong but struggling in the emotional realm.  This is a temporary state but very natural for anyone in her situation- teenager with a bad case of drug induced acne (this would be difficult for me as an adult), difficulty getting and staying asleep (not many can function on 1 or less hours of sleep for extended nights) water retention, messing with hormones (anyone of these would be difficult in and of itself but add them all together and it becomes a real challenge).   Rachel is just very tired and numb right now and knows what she wants to say but has a hard time communicating it and it is frustrating.

 Rachel was selected as Homecoming Queen and her coaches daughter was so sweet to stand in for her.
 Rachel at home the next day in a dress that an amazing young woman leader (Pam) sewed for her.
Isaiah and Rachel were sweet enough to dress up for me so that I could get pictures.  You have to love the shoes and slippers and of course the beautiful couple, don't they look great.

As you can see Rachel and I did travel home over the last weekend but tried to keep it quiet so that she could still get the much needed rest that her body lacks so we hope that no one felt left out of the loop.  She was really happy to sleep in her own bed and see her Dad, sisters and a few very close friends (wanted to see many more and regrets that she wasn't up to it).    As her parents we also knew that her physical and emotional health needed to be closely guarded so that her treatments could continue to reduce her tumor for the best overall outcome.  Rachel was disappointed that she didn't feel like attending the game and the Homecoming Dance that we went home for but was grateful for others understanding.

Yesterday our day began at 10:00 am and we finally were able to get back to our room at 5:00pm.  Some days are just long like that.  When we returned to the Ronald McDonald house they were offering free hair cuts from Super Cuts.  I guess they come in one day a month and different stylists throughout the city take their time volunteering, how great are they!  Shout out to Super Cuts of Memphis and all of the stylists who make it happen.  I actually wanted to get my haircut when I was home but didn't get around to it so I was grateful for this opportunity.  While I was getting my hair cut Rachel sat and visited with Patience, a darling young girl who is also battling cancer.  Rachel stayed to keep Patience company while her mother also received a haircut.  Later we played Bingo and Rachel gave her winning ticket to another part time resident, Scarlett so that she could claim a prize.  (We have come to know that Scarlett is the little girl from the clinic that Rachel shared her iPad with when she was crying).
Today is day 16 of 30 radiation treatments, more than half way.  Exciting day.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A Much Needed Rest

This is Diane again today.  Just wanted to give you a quick update and why I am posting for Rachel.  She is extremely tired and has gotten about 4 hours of sleep in the last 3 nights.  Today we were able to get some help for her and she is now resting peacefully and will hopefully get more than a full nights rest.  The other news is that her tumor symptoms seem to be stable or even a little less as we continue to wean her from the steroid  We are very pleased with this and her doctors are more than pleased as well.  It is always darkest before the dawn and I feel and pray we are getting a little closer to the dawn.  In Rachel's exhausted state she is easily overwhelmed as you could tell from her last couple of posts.  I would like to express my gratitude to all of you for your prayers (WE FEEL THEM), patience and encouraging comments, she reads them over and over. Again, many thanks.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Regret of course!

Okay I'm feeling like real Rachel right now so I wanted to  address a little concern (ps wonderful day) Okay so worried.The things that have been sent to me have been so sweet and I am afraid that in my bad times I may have given the wrong impression that I am not grateful for the amazing support that I have been blessed with.  I really appreciate your comments, your prayers and your encouragement its just that some days I feel so overwhelmed and so I may not express my appreciation.

It was great to have a day off from appointments and maybe that is why I am feeling more like Rachel.  Diane and I were able to get out and go to a mall and Costco (almost like home except for one area that made us a little nervous, took a wrong turn into a neighborhood that we shouldn't have turned in to, scary).
I still crave food and especially salt but I have taken control and just say NO!  Why did it have to be the day that a group came feed us dinner and of course they were all of my favorite foods with lots of salt and cheese.  I ate watermelon and mixed up some instant potatoes (no salt or cheese and they did not taste good).

Today I was Rachel without cancer and it felt good. The Son-shine felt so good today. (No I didn't mispell that) :)


Brutal Honesty:(

This is going to be my honest post. I apologize in advance, PLEASE NO ONE BE OFFENDED.

Beforehand I'd like everyone to know how much I appreciate the support. Having said this, This may be my only blog for the weekend, because honestly, I know I've said things were overwhelming right now, but with my medications and everything else, things are way too stressful. Stressful enough, I can't stop my thoughts to fall asleep at night because of the dexamethason.

"Cancer is a word, not a sentence." -John Diamond. Although I appreciate and encourage the support so much. EVERYONE of us is going to die. Who knows if cancer is what will take my life? In this world, and in reality, whoever reading this could die in a second. Don't let this depress you. But people are suffering just as much, more, and less than I am every day. I recognize that, because most of the time I worry more about how others are dealing with this situation than I am. I know at the end of the day that this is temporary, and everyday is unpredictable and to live in the moment- I just wish I could live without thinking "I have cancer" 24/7. Obviously my mom and I are dealing with everything physical, taking one breath at a time, and staying strong through the roughest of times, but it is HARD.

Emotionally- I've never dealt with anything this hard in my life, and I know right now this is from my steroid. I'm trying to get my thoughts under control. I know I can do anything physically. I do not know what may happen. But right now my emotions are out of control. Happy, Hopeful, Sad, Depressed, Angry, Numb, etc. This is my biggest trial right now. I just don't want any pity.

Physically- I have not been in a lot of pain other that leg aches, back aches but that is due to the dexamethason.  We really don't know at this point if or what pain there will be.  I do have what I call numb but it is really a tingling sensation that is in the mouth area, my tongue, my left hand and up my arm.  Staying on top of my medication is a full time job.  I was recently given a medication to help with the nerve tingling but it only increased the already bad reactions from the steroids so I won't take that again, even if I wanted to Diane would not let me, enough said.   I hate complaining about my symptoms, but I do anyways. Here we go, my face is really numb, zitty, and puffy. I've lost some hearing in my left ear.  My left arm and hand is tingly. But I feel as if I have no physical restrictions at this time.

Spiritually- so much has happened to me. At this time I feel it's not appropriate to record everything I've learn, I'm not trying to hide any secret to life you might think I've gained through this experience, It is just very personal. (AGAIN- NO ONE TAKE OFFENSE, this is just MY opinion, and what I believe) But I do want to everyone to know, as real as God  is, SO IS SATAN. Anytime something good and wonderful feels like it's happening, Satan shows up with discouragement and fear.  Life for me is about learning to control that.

What you guys can do for me- Stop worrying. We're all doing the best we can. Life goes on. I need to keep living my life. After all, I'm still a 17 year old girl. I want more than anything for this cancer to stop defining me. REMEMBER IN THE BEGINNING WHEN I SAID FOR NO ONE TO GET OFFENDED, NOW IS THE TIME TO APPLY MY REQUEST.  No more "how are you doing?" questions. It's as if everyone is trying to tell me how much they love me like I will not wake up in the morning. Right now I'm not living each day as if it's my last. Because as for now I feel it's not.  I have everything to live for.

I have So many books, quotes and inspirational things to read.
I still sing (although poorly now)
Piano here (even though I can't play as well)
Thinking and talking (when I'm not out of my mind) to my family.

I will end with the word balance.  I have a hard time balancing while standing on one foot (something they make me do for almost every appointment I have).  What they don't know is that I haven't ever had great balance so they think that it is from the tumor but those who know me really know that I have never walked in a straight line or been very graceful.  I am now trying to balance the life of a normal 17 year old girl with a person who has cancer.  I am doing everything I can to fight the tumor by being here at St Jude so now I want to get back to being me but as you know I am not so graceful.

I can do hard things.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Most Wonderful Days of My Life

I know my blog posts go long, and I myself have a short attention span, so read what you will! I'll try to hit the important stuff- gosh, what isn't important!?

Everything went so wrong today, I'm really done complaining, it finally got to the point where I'd laugh about how everything was going SO HORRIBLY.

It's so easy to feel sorry for yourself (contradicting myself I know). But tonight, my friend Savanna taught me an important thing I need to learn from this.  Yeah there's heartache and grief, and things are obviously not going to magically go away, and that's not what I wish for. But she taught me about my attitude. Rachel was back tonight. Nobody knows exactly what's going to happen to me physically with the exception of God, and that is okay. Tonight I was content.

(Take this however you may, but these words are not mine, I'm being helped write this one tonight-God.)  Although each day here is harder than the last, God is blessing me and my wonderful mommy who I couldn't possibly praise more- SO MUCH.

(Long story to read- optional!)  Let us begin with my hectic night, shall we!?

Last night I could not sleep. In fact, I still haven't! After laying in bed, with my thoughts rushing at a million miles an hour, I took off, with a feeling not to grab my phone. Around 4 AM,  I was exercising, for who knows how long. Running up and down the hallways of this place as quietly as possible. As soon as I felt tired, which took a while, I went back to the room. There I discovered the keys I grabbed were the wrong set! So I tried to quietly knock and whisper under the door in high hopes my mom could hear me. Fail!

When I realized this was no hope I was in great fear. After wandering the dark halls, I saw a phone on the wall, which repetitively I tried to use. It didn't work. In fear, I remembered earlier a kid I saw laying on the couch in the kitchen. Unfortunately I knew there were 2 mothers that I had seen earlier outside on the patio smoking, so I went to the kitchen. These ladies were so nice to let me borrow their phone. They tried convincing me to call security first, in fear I might wake my mom from her slumber. But I knew my mom would come for me, she answered in 2 rings. I've never felt so happy to see my mom in my life. ("And she came!" Jordyn this is for you. It's all I could think of when I saw mom walking down to get me. I was rescued!)

Continuing to torture her, because I haven't slept since! She let me lay in bed all night with her and held me so close. There's been a lot of that today. Nobody hugs like Diane!

Okay back on track!

These steroids are making me an absolute basket case. But God has experienced them too, so when I need someone who knows the EXACT pain I've felt, it is a comfort to me to turn to him.

Side note: As some of you have mentioned, this blog is inspiring to you (Credit to God)- but for me it has been very therapeutic. I must admit, it takes a lot to get me started, but once I go, there's no stoppin' me! As you probably have all noticed! Oops!

I started school today it was a great release. We had a really full day. Emotionally. And then spiritually. All I can say from today is that we are loved and understood and comprehend so much more than we can comprehend.

Tiring down, here we go again! Thank you SO much for every uplifting, inspiring, encouraging, and religious thought you've shared with me. I keep up to date with them, but at times my little body doesn't allow me to respond to every one. UNFORTUNATELY. I wish I could express my appreciation and support for all of you guys. I know it's nothing but thank you. That's the best I can do right now. I love you so much.

We have, will, and continue to do hard things through Christ.

Hopefully I can catch some sleep right now! Fingers crossed.


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Mom's turn

I guess you can tell from the title that this is not Rachel because it only refers to Mom and not Diane.

I am just going to share what I know and feel and then run it past Rachel, perhaps she will see the need to find the strength and take over.  From what the doctors say, Rachel is in the most difficult part of her treatment which is the delicate balance of steroids (given to treat the symptoms of the tumor) and the irradiation/chemo treatment.  Physically she is maintaining great strength and although the symptoms of her tumor seem to be increasing they are encouraged that they are not of a serious nature meaning no headaches and the fact that she is able to swallow without choking and coughing. Because of a few other things (pain in the upper spine, increased area of numbness in the left arm and face) she will be having an MRI of the spine this Thursday and hope to be able to further reduce her steroid dose.  They believe that the pain is most likely a result of the steroid and not the tumor and are hoping that the MRI will confer with their suspicions.  The pain that she was experiencing last week in her legs seems to have gone away with the first dose reduction so we are very hopeful.  I know that this can be very confusing but I also know that this is what is so overwhelming for Rachel at this time.  Many of her ups and downs can directly be related to the level of steroids in her system and seem to rival any roller coaster that she has ever been on, she is definitely experiencing great highs and extreme lows, in her words she is experiencing a little of heaven and a lot of hell.  She has seen a real side to depression that she has never understood before and  is using all of her strength and faith to combat those lows.  This is by far the most challenging thing that she has been faced with in this life and I have seen her turn to prayer on many occasions to help her through.  Not only does she know where to turn for help but she quickly acknowledges when that help comes and is quick to offer a prayer of gratitude for blessings granted.

Rachel is definitely developing compassion for others in this process.  Just today as we were at the clinic waiting for her appointment there was another girl, probably around 5 years of age struggling.  Without saying a word to us she got up and walked over to the girl, showed her her iPad to see if she would like to use it to help her through her rough moment.  She has developed a heightened sensitivity to others who are struggling and is able to reach out in a way that was once way too embarrassing to even think of doing.

I am seeing my daughter develop a great deal of compassion and charity which for me is also a mixed blessing.  No parent wants to see their children suffer in this way but then God's ways are not mans ways and we have so much to learn in this life and of His ways.  There is a reason why growing pains were given that name.  Amid the darkness that she is feeling within, she is still radiating a great light to others around her.

May I also express my gratitude for EACH of you who follow and comment from time to time. You are a real part of her healing and her strength. We know that there are many prayers in her behalf as well as for our family and THEY ARE FELT. THANK YOU.

Rachel- My mom is wonderful. She has so much strength and patience. I can't put into words how I feel. Jordyn and my Dad made it home safe tonight. What a blessing. I am so happy that they did! Anyways, I don't know how to say this. Literally most of my day is living hell. I have been to the worst places beyond imaginable, having said that, it creates frustration for me because I know it's the steroid, and I still see heaven on earth as well.

Everyday I look back at yesterday and think to myself, what was I complaining about? That was nothing. The days seem never ending, but I know things will work out in due time. Sometimes I get so angry I mentally yell at my cancer things such as "you don't know who you're messing with." Silly I know!

Anyways, I want you guys to know how much I appreciate being treated the way I have, and for everything you have done for me. I'm tired. I can do hard things. Rach. I'll post some pictures too, sorry they're out of order.

Hiding from mom and dad in the pink palace
Why not!?
The family watching me do physical therapy.
I'm afraid you're going to hate me for this, sorry Jords:)


Dresses in Pink Palace

Last 10 minute rush!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Scattered thoughts again, perhaps forever!

Okay, I'm trying today a bit differently. I'm in a good mood right now so I figured I'd post as fast as possible before I get negative.

I tried posting the video of me and Jordyn first meeting up and all that jazz, but everything is beyond OVERWHELMING.

I may have my mom start posting for me, (Diane) at some point. But who knows right now!

Everything is just coming down on me! I'm trying to stay positive, but things are REALLY hard.

Right now my emotions are way worse than anything physical that I'm facing. One minute I'm strong and happy, the next I'm in bed thinking I'm going to die. I wish time would pass faster, but I know I need to stay patient.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

I remember the first time I got an A- in my eighth grade history class, I bawled. I thought it was the end of the world. I remember that affecting my mood for an entire month. So it's a little different to have this perspective. I feel like I've learned more in the last month than I have in my entire life.

I wish I could say everything on my mind, everything that I'm learning, but in an eternal perspective I'll remember it all.
(getting happier)

Anyways, I'm done with my appetite. Which is so good, because I am getting so much bigger it's been a trial today! Lets say I'll be sore in the morning. It's hard at times, but I know it's going to go down, I'm just learning to control it, and do just the right amount of exercise and eating. Motivation! Everything is such a process. Self esteem is never something I've struggled with, but lets add it to the list!

Today I have developed an appreciation for those people (well everyone) but today who have self esteem issues. It is hard. It is NOT a fake problem. All I have to say, and I'm no professional, probably have no room to talk, but you are beautiful. No matter how ugly you feel, depressed, worthless, you are a child of God. He loves you and knows how hard of a situation we're dealing with. He suffered with it too. He's felt everything we have. One day, none of this will be a care, which is hard to think about.  But if I had any advice, keep your head high. You are the most beautiful you that there will ever be.

I don't even want to start thinking about tomorrow. It's one breath at a time around here. ESPECIALLY in my depressed moments.

(Wait now I'm happier...)

Okay, shout out to my fellow Orem High classmates, and hopefully everyone else reading this, if I had one wish, (wait I do hahahhahahaha!)

Side note: we joke "I WANT ALL THE PEABODY DUCKS" hahaha there's 5. I think it is so funny how big of a deal they made over it.

Okay back on track: I would wish everyone would be included. Someones sitting alone? Go sit by them. No one deserves to be alone. Everyone, no matter what choices they've made, or who they are, EVERYONE matters. We're all a big family. Someone is always having a worse day than you, if you don't have something good to say, DON'T SAY IT. If there's a way you can brighten one persons day, even just by a smile, do it. Lunch time at school, yeah we've all been in the awkward lonesome situation. Don't let this happen to anyone. You don't know them? Meet them today! Life is too short and unpredictable to not live as happily as possible. If there's anything you do today, cheer someone else up. It will cheer you up too.

Today we went to the pink palace. It was fun. We went to the mall as well. But things got, well lets say overwhelming. I'll spare you guys the details, my side affects are just increasing (as expected but not wanted!) I'm trying to complain less. We were going to do a whole day of fun and the zoo and stuff, but you know. This is 1,000,000,000 x harder than I thought it was going to be.

One thing that I realized at the mall is that (don't let this depress you) but we're all going to die. It's a fact. I guess it was all the people around. It's our nature. But it was weird to be there and know we are all going to die. We were born to die. It's sad. But there's something way better after this! But life is great. Enjoy every second. Every long line you have to stand in, tedious things that happen to you, frustrations you can't handle, laugh.

It's hardest for me knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this. It's all of us. Most people have been affected by this and that is SO hard for me. I wish I was the only one having to do this. I hate that my mom had to move with me, that I had to leave my friends, that this is hard on everyone. Not just me.

This is random, but something random and ironic is that I've always wanted to be a neurologist.

So Jordyn and my Dad leave tomorrow. I'm scared. But I am going to have her write anything she has to say right now!

(I'm excited too!)

Jordyn- I don't quite know what Rachel's wanting me to write about.. but I will say that this experience has some good in all this bad. I've felt and seen so many small miracles already! It's been good seeing how she's being treated here at St. Jude. It's hard to see her go through this, but she is such a strong girl and I know that she's going to be okay! Somehow I've been okay through all of this. Rachel is inspirational to me and she keeps making me want to change myself for the better. I have seen her change a lot already and she continues to change. She's strong and I really admire her for that! It's been kind of crazy at home without my mom and my clone, but it's gotten easier. Rachel and I have always been together. I'm pretty sure before all of this happened, the longest we had been apart from each other was 5 days. So, yeahhh it's been a HUGE change! It's okay though. After being here at St. Judes for a few days, I know that this is for sure where she is SUPPOSED to be. Everything and ever story is really so incredible here. The atmosphere here, although completely different from Utah, is so amazing. I can't wait for her to finally come home, but I'm so glad she's here! Rachel's great and she is and will always be my best friend! I love her to death! She's the strongest girl I know.

I'm back. LOVE HER!

Okay so I set a goal today. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Here's a part of my journal that I recorded in that time frame
"Today I'm trying not to cry once."  It's now 11:11 AM and already so hard. I wish for time to pass. We went to pink palace. It's really hard. Really extremely hard. But might as well be happy. I really wanna do this no crying thing. I got legit fat today. IT's so hard but motivation. Crying uh oh. Tears of laughter. Hardest thing of my life. Failed. Lasted til 1:50 pm ish" TMI? Haha.

Moral of the story, if you need to cry, Just do it. Crying is NOT a bad thing. Actually helps me a lot. Oh and by the way I didn't fail, that was just my breaking point!

Althougth I'm afraid for Jordyn and my dad to leave (who I've been able to bond with so much more)  I'm so grateful for Diane it'll be a good thing. Tomorrow is a BIG day that I'm not going to think about!

Back to the how do you do it question: The one thing in my life right now, the only thing keeping me going, is my testimony. I don't- rather any of us- know what's going to happen. We were all born to die, and don't let this be offensive to any of you, this is just MY opinion, but there's something in store for us after. Something big, something wonderful. Yeah it's weird to think about, but all I know right now, is that I am important. We all are. We're all in the race of life. We all struggle over even simple little things everyday. We're all in this together (no high school musical reference intended haha)

Thank you so much for all of your support. I can't even begin to describe my appreciation. Another one of my problems!


I can do hard things! (Basically my motto right now haha)



Sunday, September 2, 2012


Okay this is going to get confusing, but everything is so overwhelming right now. So don't expect much.

(August 31st I think)
Wow, yesterday was such a long day! It was pretty miserable; with the “thrush” my steroid is making me develop, and my increasing symptoms. They’re getting pretty bad. But I can do hard things. Diane surprised me a strawberry smoothie!

 I was really discouraged until we went to Dairy Queen and got cookie dough blizzards. We then went back to the room. Then, Jordyn and my dad showed up. I cried. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. Jordyn is my 2nd half. It was like when she showed up, Rachel was completed!

I just have to understand it’s a reaction. It will go away. This is going to take time. I’ve learned so much patience. I can’t feel sorry for myself here. I’m okay. One breath at a time. I still have my bucket list, that I will accomplish. Watch out!

Everyone keeps saying, "You are so brave", "how do you do it?" Well I don’t have a choice. Nothing I say or do, think or want, is going to change my situation. The only thing I can control is my attitude. I’m choosing to be brave. I’m choosing hope. Ultimately I know everything is in the Lords hands, and his timing is perfect, I’m just trying to find out what he has in store for me. I believe it’s something big.

But I know what he has in store for me is the only way.

There was a celebrity we saw today at St. Judes, so that was pretty cool! Jon Hamm.

After giving Jordyn the tour today of the clinic today, and my radiation at 10, we’re free til Tuesday! Which is another crazy day. I need to rest up. So currently we’re finding things to do in Memphis. It’s so different here. And at the same time the same. So funny the little things that happen every day. God is going to be such an interesting person to meet.

(2 days ago?)
The weather here is really bad. The hurricane hit. Tornado warnings. So that's why I haven't been able to post. Besides everything being overwhelming. Power just went on and off again!

We found an Urban Outfitters like 10 minutes away.

(right now)

Oh no, we may have to evacuate, UGH! This storm is killing me. Just got a call telling us to pack up our stuff. Okay this is going to be fast and scattered, but I can't do anything with this circumstance I'm in. It's harder than I thought. Scarier. Tornado.

We saw the ducks at the peabody. There were 5 haha! Big deal. 

Okay I'm scared. And frustrated.

Lastly I'd like to mention my appreciation of the support. I love you guys.

It's all so overwhelming with the stuff and everything. 

Oh yeah, unplanned trip to the hospital today.

Okay I'm done. Worst day yet.

I can do hard things.


I'll regret posting this at 2 AM. Haha.