Okay, I'm trying today a bit differently. I'm in a good mood right now so I figured I'd post as fast as possible before I get negative.
I tried posting the video of me and Jordyn first meeting up and all that jazz, but everything is beyond OVERWHELMING.
I may have my mom start posting for me, (Diane) at some point. But who knows right now!
Everything is just coming down on me! I'm trying to stay positive, but things are REALLY hard.
Right now my emotions are way worse than anything physical that I'm facing. One minute I'm strong and happy, the next I'm in bed thinking I'm going to die. I wish time would pass faster, but I know I need to stay patient. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I remember the first time I got an A- in my eighth grade history class, I bawled. I thought it was the end of the world. I remember that affecting my mood for an entire month. So it's a little different to have this perspective. I feel like I've learned more in the last month than I have in my entire life.
I wish I could say everything on my mind, everything that I'm learning, but in an eternal perspective I'll remember it all.
Anyways, I'm done with my appetite. Which is so good, because I am getting so much bigger it's been a trial today! Lets say I'll be sore in the morning. It's hard at times, but I know it's going to go down, I'm just learning to control it, and do just the right amount of exercise and eating. Motivation! Everything is such a process. Self esteem is never something I've struggled with, but lets add it to the list!
Today I have developed an appreciation for those people (well everyone) but today who have self esteem issues. It is hard. It is NOT a fake problem. All I have to say, and I'm no professional, probably have no room to talk, but you are beautiful. No matter how ugly you feel, depressed, worthless, you are a child of God. He loves you and knows how hard of a situation we're dealing with. He suffered with it too. He's felt everything we have. One day, none of this will be a care, which is hard to think about. But if I had any advice, keep your head high. You are the most beautiful you that there will ever be.
I don't even want to start thinking about tomorrow. It's one breath at a time around here. ESPECIALLY in my depressed moments.
(Wait now I'm happier...)
Okay, shout out to my fellow Orem High classmates, and hopefully everyone else reading this, if I had one wish, (wait I do hahahhahahaha!)
Side note: we joke "I WANT ALL THE PEABODY DUCKS" hahaha there's 5. I think it is so funny how big of a deal they made over it.
Okay back on track: I would wish everyone would be included. Someones sitting alone? Go sit by them. No one deserves to be alone. Everyone, no matter what choices they've made, or who they are, EVERYONE matters. We're all a big family. Someone is always having a worse day than you, if you don't have something good to say, DON'T SAY IT. If there's a way you can brighten one persons day, even just by a smile, do it. Lunch time at school, yeah we've all been in the awkward lonesome situation. Don't let this happen to anyone. You don't know them? Meet them today! Life is too short and unpredictable to not live as happily as possible. If there's anything you do today, cheer someone else up. It will cheer you up too.
Today we went to the pink palace. It was fun. We went to the mall as well. But things got, well lets say overwhelming. I'll spare you guys the details, my side affects are just increasing (as expected but not wanted!) I'm trying to complain less. We were going to do a whole day of fun and the zoo and stuff, but you know. This is 1,000,000,000 x harder than I thought it was going to be.
One thing that I realized at the mall is that (don't let this depress you) but we're all going to die. It's a fact. I guess it was all the people around. It's our nature. But it was weird to be there and know we are all going to die. We were born to die. It's sad. But there's something way better after this! But life is great. Enjoy every second. Every long line you have to stand in, tedious things that happen to you, frustrations you can't handle, laugh.
It's hardest for me knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this. It's all of us. Most people have been affected by this and that is SO hard for me. I wish I was the only one having to do this. I hate that my mom had to move with me, that I had to leave my friends, that this is hard on everyone. Not just me.
This is random, but something random and ironic is that I've always wanted to be a neurologist.
So Jordyn and my Dad leave tomorrow. I'm scared. But I am going to have her write anything she has to say right now!
(I'm excited too!)
Jordyn- I don't quite know what Rachel's wanting me to write about.. but I will say that this experience has some good in all this bad. I've felt and seen so many small miracles already! It's been good seeing how she's being treated here at St. Jude. It's hard to see her go through this, but she is such a strong girl and I know that she's going to be okay! Somehow I've been okay through all of this. Rachel is inspirational to me and she keeps making me want to change myself for the better. I have seen her change a lot already and she continues to change. She's strong and I really admire her for that! It's been kind of crazy at home without my mom and my clone, but it's gotten easier. Rachel and I have always been together. I'm pretty sure before all of this happened, the longest we had been apart from each other was 5 days. So, yeahhh it's been a HUGE change! It's okay though. After being here at St. Judes for a few days, I know that this is for sure where she is SUPPOSED to be. Everything and ever story is really so incredible here. The atmosphere here, although completely different from Utah, is so amazing. I can't wait for her to finally come home, but I'm so glad she's here! Rachel's great and she is and will always be my best friend! I love her to death! She's the strongest girl I know.
I'm back. LOVE HER!
Okay so I set a goal today. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Here's a part of my journal that I recorded in that time frame
"Today I'm trying not to cry once." It's now 11:11 AM and already so hard. I wish for time to pass. We went to pink palace. It's really hard. Really extremely hard. But might as well be happy. I really wanna do this no crying thing. I got legit fat today. IT's so hard but motivation. Crying uh oh. Tears of laughter. Hardest thing of my life. Failed. Lasted til 1:50 pm ish" TMI? Haha.
Moral of the story, if you need to cry, Just do it. Crying is NOT a bad thing. Actually helps me a lot. Oh and by the way I didn't fail, that was just my breaking point!
Althougth I'm afraid for Jordyn and my dad to leave (who I've been able to bond with so much more) I'm so grateful for Diane it'll be a good thing. Tomorrow is a BIG day that I'm not going to think about!
Back to the how do you do it question: The one thing in my life right now, the only thing keeping me going, is my testimony. I don't- rather any of us- know what's going to happen. We were all born to die, and don't let this be offensive to any of you, this is just MY opinion, but there's something in store for us after. Something big, something wonderful. Yeah it's weird to think about, but all I know right now, is that I am important. We all are. We're all in the race of life. We all struggle over even simple little things everyday. We're all in this together (no high school musical reference intended haha)
Thank you so much for all of your support. I can't even begin to describe my appreciation. Another one of my problems!
I can do hard things! (Basically my motto right now haha)