Sunday, February 9, 2014

the pokes and the perks

So if you've ever had one of your comments removed, I apologize, but this is my space of hope and peace, and that's why I don't like anything negative on it (these comments RARELY happen), I am not perfect, and I understand that. I am trying to improve and be a better person and this is where I write about it, and I appreciate kind comments the most, so thanks to everybody that has nice things to say to me, it's easy to get caught up in the negative things, I would know cause I haven't always been a super positive.

I'm going to address a part of my cancer history that I didn't write down before, that I'm ready to talk about now.
When I was on Dexamethasone (the steroid I complain about so much) and originally moved to Memphis, I stopped acting like "Rachel", and although that's not a problem now, it was, very much a problem at the time. 
I stopped feeling, and I stopped looking for something to feel.

Every day I would lay on the radiation table I would play Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michelson because that's literally all I thought I was capable of, was to keep breathing.

I looked forward to my next blood draw just so I could feel something, even if it was just a poke. I stopped crying. I stopped caring.
I stopped basically everything that had previously made me happy. That stuff no longer made me feel the emotion of happiness. I didn't feel like I was even in the real world or alive, I felt like my head was the only place that might have life left in me.

Why am I bringing this up again? Because I'm kind of in the tear drought again. I feel like I physically can't cry. I've tried making myself, but it's useless. I'm just glad I can still feel emotions. Maybe it's a blessing I can't cry. I haven't been super happy lately. 
I brought this up because it's the first time that I have felt this way since that Memphis trip. But I'm not depressed like the first time. I've had so many people help me find things to be happy about.

Thank you to those of you who help me find the things in life to be happy about.

The other day, Jane and I decided to get a desk from savers. I am pretty sure we were "those" people who people think are hoarders living out of their car.

 Me and Dr. Engel. He's not "technically" my Dr. but he's a dr. in my clinic and I love him!

Getting chemo!

Guess who I was with tonight! Most of you should know who this is!!

I think I have a pen problem. My new desk only gives me an excuse to have a drawer full!

Hair is getting so long, and life is getting good.

Every once in a while I get a snapchat from my awesome brother Devin in the morning. I'm not particularly a morning person.

I can do hard things!

I am going to start being less dramatic on my blog next time. HAHA.