This is going to be my honest post. I apologize in advance, PLEASE NO ONE BE OFFENDED.
Beforehand I'd like everyone to know how much I appreciate the support. Having said this, This may be my only blog for the weekend, because honestly, I know I've said things were overwhelming right now, but with my medications and everything else, things are way too stressful. Stressful enough, I can't stop my thoughts to fall asleep at night because of the dexamethason.
"Cancer is a word, not a sentence." -John Diamond. Although I appreciate and encourage the support so much. EVERYONE of us is going to die. Who knows if cancer is what will take my life? In this world, and in reality, whoever reading this could die in a second. Don't let this depress you. But people are suffering just as much, more, and less than I am every day. I recognize that, because most of the time I worry more about how others are dealing with this situation than I am. I know at the end of the day that this is temporary, and everyday is unpredictable and to live in the moment- I just wish I could live without thinking "I have cancer" 24/7. Obviously my mom and I are dealing with everything physical, taking one breath at a time, and staying strong through the roughest of times, but it is HARD.
Emotionally- I've never dealt with anything this hard in my life, and I know right now this is from my steroid. I'm trying to get my thoughts under control. I know I can do anything physically. I do not know what may happen. But right now my emotions are out of control. Happy, Hopeful, Sad, Depressed, Angry, Numb, etc. This is my biggest trial right now. I just don't want any pity.
Physically- I have not been in a lot of pain other that leg aches, back aches but that is due to the dexamethason. We really don't know at this point if or what pain there will be. I do have what I call numb but it is really a tingling sensation that is in the mouth area, my tongue, my left hand and up my arm. Staying on top of my medication is a full time job. I was recently given a medication to help with the nerve tingling but it only increased the already bad reactions from the steroids so I won't take that again, even if I wanted to Diane would not let me, enough said. I hate complaining about my symptoms, but I do anyways. Here we go, my face is really numb, zitty, and puffy. I've lost some hearing in my left ear. My left arm and hand is tingly. But I feel as if I have no physical restrictions at this time.
Spiritually- so much has happened to me. At this time I feel it's not appropriate to record everything I've learn, I'm not trying to hide any secret to life you might think I've gained through this experience, It is just very personal. (AGAIN- NO ONE TAKE OFFENSE, this is just MY opinion, and what I believe) But I do want to everyone to know, as real as God is, SO IS SATAN. Anytime something good and wonderful feels like it's happening, Satan shows up with discouragement and fear. Life for me is about learning to control that.
What you guys can do for me- Stop worrying. We're all doing the best we can. Life goes on. I need to keep living my life. After all, I'm still a 17 year old girl. I want more than anything for this cancer to stop defining me. REMEMBER IN THE BEGINNING WHEN I SAID FOR NO ONE TO GET OFFENDED, NOW IS THE TIME TO APPLY MY REQUEST. No more "how are you doing?" questions. It's as if everyone is trying to tell me how much they love me like I will not wake up in the morning. Right now I'm not living each day as if it's my last. Because as for now I feel it's not. I have everything to live for.
Things I have found to help (THIS IS NOT A HINT TO SEND ME ANYTHING- PLEASE NO IDEAS FROM THIS)
I have So many books, quotes and inspirational things to read.
I still sing (although poorly now)
Piano here (even though I can't play as well)
Thinking and talking (when I'm not out of my mind) to my family.
I will end with the word balance. I have a hard time balancing while standing on one foot (something they make me do for almost every appointment I have). What they don't know is that I haven't ever had great balance so they think that it is from the tumor but those who know me really know that I have never walked in a straight line or been very graceful. I am now trying to balance the life of a normal 17 year old girl with a person who has cancer. I am doing everything I can to fight the tumor by being here at St Jude so now I want to get back to being me but as you know I am not so graceful.
I can do hard things.