Mom's turn

I guess you can tell from the title that this is not Rachel because it only refers to Mom and not Diane.

I am just going to share what I know and feel and then run it past Rachel, perhaps she will see the need to find the strength and take over.  From what the doctors say, Rachel is in the most difficult part of her treatment which is the delicate balance of steroids (given to treat the symptoms of the tumor) and the irradiation/chemo treatment.  Physically she is maintaining great strength and although the symptoms of her tumor seem to be increasing they are encouraged that they are not of a serious nature meaning no headaches and the fact that she is able to swallow without choking and coughing. Because of a few other things (pain in the upper spine, increased area of numbness in the left arm and face) she will be having an MRI of the spine this Thursday and hope to be able to further reduce her steroid dose.  They believe that the pain is most likely a result of the steroid and not the tumor and are hoping that the MRI will confer with their suspicions.  The pain that she was experiencing last week in her legs seems to have gone away with the first dose reduction so we are very hopeful.  I know that this can be very confusing but I also know that this is what is so overwhelming for Rachel at this time.  Many of her ups and downs can directly be related to the level of steroids in her system and seem to rival any roller coaster that she has ever been on, she is definitely experiencing great highs and extreme lows, in her words she is experiencing a little of heaven and a lot of hell.  She has seen a real side to depression that she has never understood before and  is using all of her strength and faith to combat those lows.  This is by far the most challenging thing that she has been faced with in this life and I have seen her turn to prayer on many occasions to help her through.  Not only does she know where to turn for help but she quickly acknowledges when that help comes and is quick to offer a prayer of gratitude for blessings granted.

Rachel is definitely developing compassion for others in this process.  Just today as we were at the clinic waiting for her appointment there was another girl, probably around 5 years of age struggling.  Without saying a word to us she got up and walked over to the girl, showed her her iPad to see if she would like to use it to help her through her rough moment.  She has developed a heightened sensitivity to others who are struggling and is able to reach out in a way that was once way too embarrassing to even think of doing.

I am seeing my daughter develop a great deal of compassion and charity which for me is also a mixed blessing.  No parent wants to see their children suffer in this way but then God's ways are not mans ways and we have so much to learn in this life and of His ways.  There is a reason why growing pains were given that name.  Amid the darkness that she is feeling within, she is still radiating a great light to others around her.

May I also express my gratitude for EACH of you who follow and comment from time to time. You are a real part of her healing and her strength. We know that there are many prayers in her behalf as well as for our family and THEY ARE FELT. THANK YOU.

Rachel- My mom is wonderful. She has so much strength and patience. I can't put into words how I feel. Jordyn and my Dad made it home safe tonight. What a blessing. I am so happy that they did! Anyways, I don't know how to say this. Literally most of my day is living hell. I have been to the worst places beyond imaginable, having said that, it creates frustration for me because I know it's the steroid, and I still see heaven on earth as well.

Everyday I look back at yesterday and think to myself, what was I complaining about? That was nothing. The days seem never ending, but I know things will work out in due time. Sometimes I get so angry I mentally yell at my cancer things such as "you don't know who you're messing with." Silly I know!

Anyways, I want you guys to know how much I appreciate being treated the way I have, and for everything you have done for me. I'm tired. I can do hard things. Rach. I'll post some pictures too, sorry they're out of order.

Hiding from mom and dad in the pink palace

Why not!?

The family watching me do physical therapy.

I'm afraid you're going to hate me for this, sorry Jords:)

Alvin!?

Dresses in Pink Palace

Last 10 minute rush!

Scattered thoughts again, perhaps forever!

Okay, I'm trying today a bit differently. I'm in a good mood right now so I figured I'd post as fast as possible before I get negative.

I tried posting the video of me and Jordyn first meeting up and all that jazz, but everything is beyond OVERWHELMING.

I may have my mom start posting for me, (Diane) at some point. But who knows right now!

Everything is just coming down on me! I'm trying to stay positive, but things are REALLY hard.

Right now my emotions are way worse than anything physical that I'm facing. One minute I'm strong and happy, the next I'm in bed thinking I'm going to die. I wish time would pass faster, but I know I need to stay patient.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

I remember the first time I got an A- in my eighth grade history class, I bawled. I thought it was the end of the world. I remember that affecting my mood for an entire month. So it's a little different to have this perspective. I feel like I've learned more in the last month than I have in my entire life.

I wish I could say everything on my mind, everything that I'm learning, but in an eternal perspective I'll remember it all.
(getting happier)

Anyways, I'm done with my appetite. Which is so good, because I am getting so much bigger it's been a trial today! Lets say I'll be sore in the morning. It's hard at times, but I know it's going to go down, I'm just learning to control it, and do just the right amount of exercise and eating. Motivation! Everything is such a process. Self esteem is never something I've struggled with, but lets add it to the list!

Today I have developed an appreciation for those people (well everyone) but today who have self esteem issues. It is hard. It is NOT a fake problem. All I have to say, and I'm no professional, probably have no room to talk, but you are beautiful. No matter how ugly you feel, depressed, worthless, you are a child of God. He loves you and knows how hard of a situation we're dealing with. He suffered with it too. He's felt everything we have. One day, none of this will be a care, which is hard to think about.  But if I had any advice, keep your head high. You are the most beautiful you that there will ever be.

I don't even want to start thinking about tomorrow. It's one breath at a time around here. ESPECIALLY in my depressed moments.

(Wait now I'm happier...)

Okay, shout out to my fellow Orem High classmates, and hopefully everyone else reading this, if I had one wish, (wait I do hahahhahahaha!)

Side note: we joke "I WANT ALL THE PEABODY DUCKS" hahaha there's 5. I think it is so funny how big of a deal they made over it.

Okay back on track: I would wish everyone would be included. Someones sitting alone? Go sit by them. No one deserves to be alone. Everyone, no matter what choices they've made, or who they are, EVERYONE matters. We're all a big family. Someone is always having a worse day than you, if you don't have something good to say, DON'T SAY IT. If there's a way you can brighten one persons day, even just by a smile, do it. Lunch time at school, yeah we've all been in the awkward lonesome situation. Don't let this happen to anyone. You don't know them? Meet them today! Life is too short and unpredictable to not live as happily as possible. If there's anything you do today, cheer someone else up. It will cheer you up too.

Today we went to the pink palace. It was fun. We went to the mall as well. But things got, well lets say overwhelming. I'll spare you guys the details, my side affects are just increasing (as expected but not wanted!) I'm trying to complain less. We were going to do a whole day of fun and the zoo and stuff, but you know. This is 1,000,000,000 x harder than I thought it was going to be.

One thing that I realized at the mall is that (don't let this depress you) but we're all going to die. It's a fact. I guess it was all the people around. It's our nature. But it was weird to be there and know we are all going to die. We were born to die. It's sad. But there's something way better after this! But life is great. Enjoy every second. Every long line you have to stand in, tedious things that happen to you, frustrations you can't handle, laugh.

It's hardest for me knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this. It's all of us. Most people have been affected by this and that is SO hard for me. I wish I was the only one having to do this. I hate that my mom had to move with me, that I had to leave my friends, that this is hard on everyone. Not just me.

This is random, but something random and ironic is that I've always wanted to be a neurologist.

So Jordyn and my Dad leave tomorrow. I'm scared. But I am going to have her write anything she has to say right now!

(I'm excited too!)

Jordyn- I don't quite know what Rachel's wanting me to write about.. but I will say that this experience has some good in all this bad. I've felt and seen so many small miracles already! It's been good seeing how she's being treated here at St. Jude. It's hard to see her go through this, but she is such a strong girl and I know that she's going to be okay! Somehow I've been okay through all of this. Rachel is inspirational to me and she keeps making me want to change myself for the better. I have seen her change a lot already and she continues to change. She's strong and I really admire her for that! It's been kind of crazy at home without my mom and my clone, but it's gotten easier. Rachel and I have always been together. I'm pretty sure before all of this happened, the longest we had been apart from each other was 5 days. So, yeahhh it's been a HUGE change! It's okay though. After being here at St. Judes for a few days, I know that this is for sure where she is SUPPOSED to be. Everything and ever story is really so incredible here. The atmosphere here, although completely different from Utah, is so amazing. I can't wait for her to finally come home, but I'm so glad she's here! Rachel's great and she is and will always be my best friend! I love her to death! She's the strongest girl I know.

I'm back. LOVE HER!

Okay so I set a goal today. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Here's a part of my journal that I recorded in that time frame
"Today I'm trying not to cry once."  It's now 11:11 AM and already so hard. I wish for time to pass. We went to pink palace. It's really hard. Really extremely hard. But might as well be happy. I really wanna do this no crying thing. I got legit fat today. IT's so hard but motivation. Crying uh oh. Tears of laughter. Hardest thing of my life. Failed. Lasted til 1:50 pm ish" TMI? Haha.

Moral of the story, if you need to cry, Just do it. Crying is NOT a bad thing. Actually helps me a lot. Oh and by the way I didn't fail, that was just my breaking point!

Althougth I'm afraid for Jordyn and my dad to leave (who I've been able to bond with so much more)  I'm so grateful for Diane it'll be a good thing. Tomorrow is a BIG day that I'm not going to think about!

Back to the how do you do it question: The one thing in my life right now, the only thing keeping me going, is my testimony. I don't- rather any of us- know what's going to happen. We were all born to die, and don't let this be offensive to any of you, this is just MY opinion, but there's something in store for us after. Something big, something wonderful. Yeah it's weird to think about, but all I know right now, is that I am important. We all are. We're all in the race of life. We all struggle over even simple little things everyday. We're all in this together (no high school musical reference intended haha)

Thank you so much for all of your support. I can't even begin to describe my appreciation. Another one of my problems!

Anyways,

I can do hard things! (Basically my motto right now haha)

MUCH LOVE

Rachel

Crazy!

Okay this is going to get confusing, but everything is so overwhelming right now. So don't expect much.

(August 31st I think)

Wow, yesterday was such a long day! It was pretty miserable; with the “thrush” my steroid is making me develop, and my increasing symptoms. They’re getting pretty bad. But I can do hard things. Diane surprised me a strawberry smoothie!

 I was really discouraged until we went to Dairy Queen and got cookie dough blizzards. We then went back to the room. Then, Jordyn and my dad showed up. I cried. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. Jordyn is my 2^nd half. It was like when she showed up, Rachel was completed!

I just have to understand it’s a reaction. It will go away. This is going to take time. I’ve learned so much patience. I can’t feel sorry for myself here. I’m okay. One breath at a time. I still have my bucket list, that I will accomplish. Watch out!

Everyone keeps saying, "You are so brave", "how do you do it?" Well I don’t have a choice. Nothing I say or do, think or want, is going to change my situation. The only thing I can control is my attitude. I’m choosing to be brave. I’m choosing hope. Ultimately I know everything is in the Lords hands, and his timing is perfect, I’m just trying to find out what he has in store for me. I believe it’s something big.

But I know what he has in store for me is the only way.

There was a celebrity we saw today at St. Judes, so that was pretty cool! Jon Hamm.

After giving Jordyn the tour today of the clinic today, and my radiation at 10, we’re free til Tuesday! Which is another crazy day. I need to rest up. So currently we’re finding things to do in Memphis. It’s so different here. And at the same time the same. So funny the little things that happen every day. God is going to be such an interesting person to meet.

(2 days ago?)
The weather here is really bad. The hurricane hit. Tornado warnings. So that's why I haven't been able to post. Besides everything being overwhelming. Power just went on and off again!

We found an Urban Outfitters like 10 minutes away.

(right now)

Oh no, we may have to evacuate, UGH! This storm is killing me. Just got a call telling us to pack up our stuff. Okay this is going to be fast and scattered, but I can't do anything with this circumstance I'm in. It's harder than I thought. Scarier. Tornado.

We saw the ducks at the peabody. There were 5 haha! Big deal. 

Okay I'm scared. And frustrated.

Lastly I'd like to mention my appreciation of the support. I love you guys.

It's all so overwhelming with the stuff and everything. 

Oh yeah, unplanned trip to the hospital today.

Okay I'm done. Worst day yet.

I can do hard things.

Rach.

I'll regret posting this at 2 AM. Haha.