Today marks a significant day in my calendar. Today I
finished number 10/10 radiation treatments to my brain. Even though today-my
brain not be exactly in the stage that it’s appreciated the most and definitely
hasn’t cooperated the way I had wished- I have completed traditional
treatments. Treatments consisting of:
HUNDREDS of doses of chemotherapy (that daily oral stuff along with
everything else really adds up),
and:
67 doses of radiation:
30 to the head
27 to the back
10 to the head again
I have been on four
kinds of chemotherapy (2 oral, 2 interveinous)
Crenolanib (clinical trial at st jude)
Temodar (2nd oral kind)
Avastin (used simultaneously with…)
Irinotecan (SATAN)
Remember my crazy days when each post was zittier than the
last? (my computer keeps telling me that zittier isn’t a word, but if you have
ever dealt with acne you know that it is and agree with me on the mutual
argument that despite the red squiggly lines, zittier is in fact a word).
Back to my point (I’d like to blame my sporadic thoughts
on the brain tumor, but that’s just a quality that came with the body- no
refunds, no exchanges)! But that crazy time when I was on dexamethasone and all
Hell broke loose. When I literally classified in the same category as those that
thought the world was rapidly speeding to a crashing halt in 2012. (From
different reasons aside zombies of course).
I have been thinking back on those days a lot this week,
as those, along with these days are kind of the alpha and omega of such
a trying, but beautiful era. I remember
when I was on that dexamethasone, and “happy” pills- I was still incredibly
unhappy. I told Diane “I want to be put into a medically induced coma, til
radiation is all over,” and even asked my doctors (Dr. Tsui and Dr. Broniscer,
remember)? If that would be a possibility (don’t judge).
I felt hell every day. Even worse, I felt as though that
hell would be one to persist forever. And for a while I felt as if it had. And
even now I sometimes feel like it has. Mostly when I’m sitting around thinking and
feeling sorry for myself. But either way, there are times (minimal) when I feel
that way, even now. But for the most part I am happy and grateful for my life. Even
the cancer.
My Heavenly Father has helped me escape that hell. And
even though I still have those cancerous cells, bigger than ever, and tangling
themselves to the consideration of diffused, I have escaped the hell I previously
have been in tat tries claiming permanent residency.
I’ve been pretty emotional thinking about how this era is
coming to a halt as of recent. Because unlike when I was at St. Jude and wanted
to be in a coma and come through the whole process asleep, I look back on it
and think “wow”. It’d be a pretty disturbing thing to say that I don’t want it
to end. But I’d be lying if I said I was happy that it’s over.
It’s probably far from over, I just see it that way
because with the knowledge I have, I am finished with chemotherapy and
radiation.
If you have cancer, you know what the 0-10 scale is. It
classifies your pain level 0 is no pain and 10 is basically dying. They have you rate what kind of pain you're in, and depending on your level of discomfort, I'm guessing, they have a certain point where they like to medicate you or find some other sort of alleviation for it. I like to think
I have a high tolerance for pain, but probably don’t, compared to others.
I kind of like using the same scale, but instead of using
it for pain, I use it to internally determine my level of happiness.
I am working on some other non-traditional treatment but
I have chosen to keep that separate from my blog. But when I was talking to my radiation Dr.
today he attributed the success that we’ve seen as of recent to the alternative
treatment. Which excites me a by a large factor on that happiness scale. I’d
rate that a 1, (10 is miserable).
I’m grateful that God has found it beneficial to keep me around here for a while.
So my life is still happening. Even though I’m about 12
months overdue. I’m trying hard, and I’m going strong.
So to celebrate my finishing treatment, a few hours after
I finished treatment #10, I got in the car with
Jordyn, Diane and 2 of my friends and drove to California! We are almost there,
I am excited to go to Disneyland tomorrow!
Driving to California.
My scar on my stomach is healing so good, and so is the one on my head! The hair is growing back in so fast!
From the Book of Mormon when I was reading the other day –
“ Now, this restoration shall come to all, both old and young, both bond and
free, both male and female, both the wicked and the righteous; and even there
shall not so much as a hair of their heads be lost but everything shall be
restored to its perfect frame, as it is now, or in the body, and shall be brought
and be arraigned before the bar of Christ the Son, and God the Father, and the
Holy Spirit, which is one Eternal God, to be judged according to their works,
whether they be good or whether they be evil.
That entire verse excites me, but especially the part
about hair. Not that I’m in any sort of hurry.
I can do hard things.
Rach
CONGRATULATIONS!!! We love your free spirit and positive attitude. You are such a wonderful example to us all. Have fun at Disneyland! Love you Each ~M
ReplyDeleteThis is probably my favorite post you have ever done each. I love it. you look amazing. You are so strong and my best friend ever in the world. I am so proud of you sweetie and I think I may still be logged in as you... but I don't know how to change that. but this is Jane. :)
ReplyDeleteDear Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI am following your story from Cologne, Germany. I often check for news about you because I love the way you share your fate, your thoughts and your feelings.
In the last couple of years many persons around me got cancer and I watched them struggle with it. If I ever have to cope with that too, I wish for this amazing positive attitude you have.
You are truly a believer. I envy that and you teach me more about this knowledge with every chapter of your story.
Basically I wanted you to know, that there is somebody right across the ocean who thinks of you, feels with you. I want to read many more entries, so "Halte durch!", as we in Germany say.
Love,
Jenny
Congratulations! I know it takes guts to go through what you've been through. You continue to amaze me, a stranger that just happened onto your site by accident way back when you started it. Have a great road trip to Disney Land and eat one of those honey comb treats for me! I will continue to pray for you from Texas...
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to read that your done with the radiation to your head and that you get to go to Disneyland! Have fun and say hi to Mickey and Minnie Mouse for all your blog readers! :)
ReplyDeleteSounds like you will have lots of fun at Disneyland with Jordyn, Mom Diane and your two buddies. Also, glad that round ten is finished. Still thinking about and sending positive thoughts and prayers from NYC.
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel, My wife and I have been following your blog for quite some time now. We are always so happy when you update it because it means to me that you are okay. I worry about you and pray for you. You are an amazing young lady, your struggle and attitude are inspirational and I hope only the best for you. Enjoy your trip to Disneyland, God Bless :)
ReplyDeleteexcellent paintings , i have visited your website for the primary time. thank you very lots for having this type of informative weblog! i am so pleased with you sweetie and i assume I'm working in Platooh.com I may additionally nonetheless be logged in as you,but I do not know a way to change that.
ReplyDelete