Sunday, February 9, 2014

the pokes and the perks

So if you've ever had one of your comments removed, I apologize, but this is my space of hope and peace, and that's why I don't like anything negative on it (these comments RARELY happen), I am not perfect, and I understand that. I am trying to improve and be a better person and this is where I write about it, and I appreciate kind comments the most, so thanks to everybody that has nice things to say to me, it's easy to get caught up in the negative things, I would know cause I haven't always been a super positive.

I'm going to address a part of my cancer history that I didn't write down before, that I'm ready to talk about now.
When I was on Dexamethasone (the steroid I complain about so much) and originally moved to Memphis, I stopped acting like "Rachel", and although that's not a problem now, it was, very much a problem at the time. 
I stopped feeling, and I stopped looking for something to feel.

Every day I would lay on the radiation table I would play Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michelson because that's literally all I thought I was capable of, was to keep breathing.

I looked forward to my next blood draw just so I could feel something, even if it was just a poke. I stopped crying. I stopped caring.
I stopped basically everything that had previously made me happy. That stuff no longer made me feel the emotion of happiness. I didn't feel like I was even in the real world or alive, I felt like my head was the only place that might have life left in me.

Why am I bringing this up again? Because I'm kind of in the tear drought again. I feel like I physically can't cry. I've tried making myself, but it's useless. I'm just glad I can still feel emotions. Maybe it's a blessing I can't cry. I haven't been super happy lately. 
I brought this up because it's the first time that I have felt this way since that Memphis trip. But I'm not depressed like the first time. I've had so many people help me find things to be happy about.

Thank you to those of you who help me find the things in life to be happy about.

The other day, Jane and I decided to get a desk from savers. I am pretty sure we were "those" people who people think are hoarders living out of their car.

 Me and Dr. Engel. He's not "technically" my Dr. but he's a dr. in my clinic and I love him!

Getting chemo!

Guess who I was with tonight! Most of you should know who this is!!

I think I have a pen problem. My new desk only gives me an excuse to have a drawer full!

Hair is getting so long, and life is getting good.

Every once in a while I get a snapchat from my awesome brother Devin in the morning. I'm not particularly a morning person.

I can do hard things!

I am going to start being less dramatic on my blog next time. HAHA.


  1. I can't believe people would write mean comments, some people need to be punched in the face. With a tire iron. I love your honesty, cancer is awful and you should be able to tell it how it is. One of my favorite running jams is "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes, totally reminds me of you:) Keep fighting the good fight Rachel. Cancer sucks!

  2. I've been through the chemo, radiation and surgeries and trust me, you have every right to say what is in your heart! I found it very therapeutic to share my thoughts and feelings with others. You just keep being you and we'll keep loving you and praying for you!

  3. keep on fighting :) hope you find something to break you out of the dip in mood soon.

  4. Hi. I'm Jasmine. I'm 19. I don't have cancer. But I used to be in the same state of depression you were in. Where you can't cry and you just don't care. I can cry a little too easily now. And I just wanted to thank you for your post. It makes me realize how grateful we should be just to be alive. Just to feel. I'm going to try to be happy again. Because you have reminded me there is always someone out there who has it way worse. Thank you. And I will pray for you as well :)

  5. Hi Rachel, I'm your mom's friend Betty and I just want to let you know I think about you all the time and pray for you to find peace and comfort along your journey. I'm so glad you have so many friends at your young age and I think you do hard things really well. xxxooo

  6. Lol on the pens. I have the same problem.:-)
    And yes- say no to negativity!!! Sending love from Oregon.

  7. Rachel~

    I very vividly remember that time for you in Memphis. I remember because I thought how glad I was Carson was so young that he didn't understand the severity of what was going on. I saw the weight on your shoulders of what you were going through with full knowledge of the situation and that you were being robbed of your youth. I saw the weight on your mom's shoulders. It was so heavy and visible. She carried the weight every mom carries when their child is sick and you can't fix it, but she carried the extra weight of your mental/emotional health because you, again, knew how big your situation was. My heart broke for you both. I was so amazed at her tenderness with you and how she would make you get up and walk when you wanted to hide under the blanket in the wheelchair. I cried for you both on occasion because that tough love hurts our mommy's hearts, but we know it's best. You did not stay in that dark place your whole time in Memphis. It was good to see you coming out of it slowly.

    I think your honesty and openness here are therapeutic for you, but also good for others to read. Those who can not relate to our journey need a glimpse of what we really walk through so they can be more sensitive to the next person. Those who have walked through hard situations or will in the future need to know they are not alone and these feelings we don't talk about are normal...but there is still hope. It's okay to me angry, sad, etc.....we just can't live there forever. Love you, Rachel!

  8. My best friend says that when you can't cry, your "cryer is broken". Mine broke after a miscarriage. And then my cryer would suddenly start working at inappropriate times with the potential to get me teased. For instance, when an athlete I've never even heard of does well at the Olympics. (My Mom cried during Pinocchio, and we never let her forget it. Now I get it). I don't know why it happens, and it is frustrating, but maybe our subconscious is just trying to work out something else. I personally like distraction. Here's a good distraction just for you:

  9. Hi rachel,
    First I just want to say your attitude is truely amazing I have been following your blog for a while now and your story so inspiring.
    Second thing is a a few days ago an article was shared on facebook about many different cancers being cured through the use of hemp oil backed up by science. This lead me to a page I would like to share with you. Im not trying to offend or convince anyone anything I just found it very interesting and wanted to share as you were the first person who came to mind. Their are lots of testimonials one from parents with a child who also had a brain tumour.
    Always thinking of you and praying for you x

  10. Whoops forgot to add the link

  11. I sent you an email a few weeks ago, but I'm finally not mobile so I'm stopping by to let you know I'm still praying for you and my family and I think of you often! You say whatever you feel like saying here. This is your space. Sending love your way!

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