Thursday, January 9, 2014

Time After Time

I'm going to be honest like I usually am and come right out and say that I've been very depressed this week which is rare for me. I was supposed to get a port on Wednesday and chemo in a few weeks following. Instead I got my port, and two new kinds of chemo on Tuesday. I was throwing up both Tuesday and Wednesday. Getting a port placed feels like breaking a collar bone, and I would know because I've broken both of mine (one time I was walking on grass and tripped, and the other time I rolled out of bed, I've always been very full of coordination skills). It hurts to go through all of the physical pain and not know if the physical pain will even help you, or if it's just going to hurt. I guess that's where we need to have faith in God's plan and realize he's got full control, and will never put us in a situation we can't handle, or that wasn't right for us.
I am a lot happier today even though my face and tongue are really numb. It's very upsetting to have cancer, but ya live and learn, or so I hear. I'm just going along with it this whole time, and smiling while I do it because smiling makes me happy, and I'd rather be happy than be sad. Even though it's so easy to be sad because I am disappointed time after time.
Ready for some pictures about now? Okay, here we go.
Confession: I'm a hoarder of pictures. I love pictures. I think every moment needs to be captured multiple times, and it's a serious issue, on par with cancer.

This is my purple power port...

...before it  lodged itself in my chest.

During surgery. I was awake! Inhumane, right?

I have the best dad in the whole world. He would feed me sausage mcmuffins even if I bit his fingers, because he's just that good of a dad.

 This is how I look now, it's annoying, but at least they sealed me up good. Hopefully this doesn't look pornographic. I'm just realizing it's pretty revealing, whoops!

My hair is growing out so good! This is how long all of it is today!

Also I still love doing these things (picture hoarder, I'm telling you), so Jordyn and I hit the town (aka the mall), and took a few beauty shots this morning.

As you can see, I didn't post any of the pictures that I always make them take during the surgery. Why? Because they're pretty gruesome and I can't look at them. They make me sick to look at, so maybe one day when I'm not so sensitive I can look through them and post some when I'm a little less nauseated.

Thank you for your love, support, fasting, prayers, and so much more. It's scary. I'm scared. But I'm glad that I know who I am and I know who created me and I know where I'm going eventually. That's the comforting part.

I can do hard things


  1. sorry you're going through a tough time atm. did you not get any pain relief during the insertion? hope your feeling better soon.

  2. I know that I don't hardly ever comment on here, but I enjoy reading your updates. Whenever I think of you I say a prayer for you. My friend was diagnosed with Melanoma this past year and some of it went to her brain. Hers they could not operate on but did the gamma knife. Right now she is doing good. Keep encouraged because God is the one in control!

  3. Rachel,
    I love this entry. Specifically I love the part that you say you smile because it makes you happy and you would rather be happy than sad. What a wise and courageous comment. I hope you know how much your example aka your smiles have brightened the lives of so many around you. You are a strong, courageous, kind, talented and beautiful woman. I love you, my family loves you. Hang in there- you are gracefully doing very, very hard things. Double smiley face. :) :)
    Love, Kadee

  4. You are amazing Rach. Seriously. I really don't know how else to put it because it always comes out the same. You are amazing and so strong. I can't imagine that many people going through this are as positive as you are. And I'm glad you can admit when you have bad days and hard times. I love you.

  5. I think The Lord does give us more than we can bare (none of the bear/bare seem right to my eye). Only with His help can we be successful. You are right you have an awesome dad! My big shout to Chad! I can see as my kids are getting older they see the seriousness if this and their prayers have become more sincere in regards to you. We love you!

  6. love you Rachel! youre so strong and I'm so grateful I got to meet you. My family is praying for you. :)

  7. You are AMAZING! Praying for you from Maryland. You CAN do hard things!

  8. Rachel, You have a wonderful gift for telling your story which certainly is not always an easy story to tell. I'm sure your warmth and honesty has helped many people that you haven't even met. Lots of folks care about you and have you in their thoughts and prayers - even here in hectic and lately freezing cold NYC.

  9. Rachel, your last paragraph brought tears . Thanks for the reminder! U r amazing.

  10. Sending love and positive thoughts from Oregon.

  11. Praying for you! Love and prayers from Northern Illinois. Keep on doing what you're doing!

  12. Wow! I just read your page. you're not just a awesome girl, you're an awesome writer! I pray that every dream of yours come true, health and healing in your life. Love you Rachel! Paishence and Nanette