Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Set Back

Today (June 5th) has already been one emotionally exhausting day. But lets go back about a week and start from there.

During my treatment at St. Jude I went through a phase where I wanted to give up on everything, including treatment and my school. (I'm not always as strong as I seem)! I remember being at the school in the hospital, bawling my eyes out because I couldn't concentrate long enough to put a simple sentence together from my English homework. Anyways my mom reminded me that it was my goal to graduate, and naturally, being the stubborn girl I am, said "I don't want that anymore". Because it was too hard. Well, I graduated!

We have a German foreign exchange student friend, and she just left after being here the whole year:(

We miss you Charlotte!

Okay, now for the setback. I went in for a spine MRI yesterday because I've been having pain in the butt (literally) and all down my legs. It's not normal pain either, it's excruciating and limits me to the point that it hurts to sneeze, cough, and even lay in bed.

The MRI did not come back how we had hoped, and it is a really discouraging time for me. I have a mass growing on my L4, L5, and S1 portions of my spine. I am probably going in for surgery tomorrow, which will give me more time to blog! They're going to try and remove as much as they can, but nothing is promising, and I'm having a hard time feeling hopeful. 

I don't know if anyone knew this, but I really like twitter! It's such a good and easy way to stay connected. Anyways, last night I was so bugged, so naturally... TWITTER!

I wrote on it and said "I'm sick of having to be the strong one all the time." And it's completely true! I'm so sick of it, sometimes I want to scream! Which I did yesterday, but that's besides the point. The point is, I think I finally reached the point where I was just so fed up that I'm almost angry about it. As soon as I found out yesterday, I was just thinking, this is some sort of sick joke!

People keep telling me I'll have major blessings because of what I'm going through, and all I can say back is "I better!"

I know this is probably bad of me to say, but I never knew when people said "Life is hard" That they were that serious about it being hard and crappy. But on the bright side, I've had so many friends and family texting me, or coming over or calling, telling me how much they love me, and just being there to comfort me. So I really don't have that much complaining to do, in fact, I should probably be repenting, but it's been a tough 10 months!

Anyways, i'm sure I'll be turning to my blog tomorrow after surgery to keep y'all updated. Thanks for your love, and a huge thanks for PRAYERS.

I could use them now more than ever, so feel free to send one my way.

Thanks, and wish me luck!


And yes, I guess I can (have to) do hard things;)


  1. Oh my dear, I am so sorry. :( I will remember you in my prayers.
    I've been reading Corrie Ten Boom's book "The Hiding Place". There's a quote I love, "Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see.”
    With all that you have been through in your life, I can only imagine a glorious future for you.
    Hang in there Rachel. Our Heavenly Father knows the end from the Beginning, and He knows exactly what you need. He whose hand spans the Heavens knows even your favorite slushy flavor.

  2. Thank you for being honest. And I think screaming is fair.

  3. RACH!
    Those pictures are adorable! You look beautiful! Congrats on graduating! Wahooo! I have been meaning to call you, except I lost all the contacts in my phone. haha I will have to get your number from you sometime! LOVE YA CHAMP! :)
    p.s. Those little fish on the right are strangely addicting to feed....
    -Shelby Snelgrove

  4. I don't have NEAR the trials you do, little lady, but when I am going through something sucky, I am reminded that we are refined through fire. Not chocolate or massages (or chewy sprees). Without the fire what would We learn from chocolate? YOU, however, have earned quite a few chocolate days (or chewy sprees). Keep looking for the chocolate and we will keep praying You get LOTS more!! Keep your chin up, little one. Your cheering section still has lots of hope!!♥

  5. I just love you and I haven't even met you.... You brought tears to my eyes, and I'm grateful for you that you are sharing your extremely hard journey. You're amazing !! Good luck in surgery! Prayers are with you. Xoxo

  6. Rachel, I found your blog through fb a few hours ago & haven't stopped reading it since. You've sucked me in like a good show! I've been so happy for your good news & cried for your setbacks. I wish I had waited a few more weeks to find your blog so that I could just fast forward to the part where you tell us that everything went well and the masses on your spine are gone for good! But I'll just have to be patient I guess. :) I'm sure the surgery will go well; You seem to be in trusting hands from both the dr's and no doubt The Lord. Thanks for your example of a positive attitude, strength, and faith. You'll be in my prayers today.

  7. One of my friends is going through a similar situation as you are. Just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers! I said a prayer for you this morning, I hope your surgery goes well. Good luck!

  8. Prayers, Love, and Hugs from Boston!!

  9. Hugs and prayers from Portland Oregon. Congratulations on graduation! WOOHOO!!

  10. So sorry to hear about the setback. I have been praying for you ever since I discovered your blog several months ago. In fact I included you in my prayer this morning. I will keep doing so. Please don't give up. Hang in there. You are loved and Heavenly Father is so aware of you. He knows you individually and loves you so much. I hope this surgery goes well and has a positive outcome. Regardless you are touching a lot of lives in a positive way - including mine! Thank you! Love, Jennifer

  11. Hi Rachel, I have been following you since your very first post wishing you the best - you deserve it so much! Keep faith! You'll be fine because there is no other way. I am sending best thoughts and hugs from France! Cecile.

  12. Hi Rachel, I came across your blog through cute girls hairstyles back when you first began posting last year and have been following your blog ever since. You have never been far from my thoughts over the last 10 months. Your positive attitude toward your situation and life in general is so inspirational and has even helped me to work though many of my own problems so don't give up! Although I have never believed in God or any kind of religion, Today I found myself kneeling in my lounge room praying for you (I hope I did it right). Congratulations on graduating high school it's an amazing achievement! Thinking of you and now praying
    for you each day all the way from Australia.
    Looking forward to hearing from you after surgery. Good luck Rachel.
    Jasmin xx

    1. What a lovely person you must be Jasmin. Your comment reminded me of a hymn "Prayer is the soul's sincere desire" (
      Sometimes when we are moved with compassion and don't know what we can possibly do, we must leave things in God's hands. Sometimes all we can do is pray. My best to you and Rachel from K in Tennessee.

  13. Hi Rachel!

    First off, I just wanted to congratulate you for graduating!!! What a huge, and wonderful achievement!!!! Second, your Father in Heaven is mindful of you, and he has a wonderful plan set for you. No matter the outcome, he is always there, and loves you immensely. I am praying for you, and always thinking of you!

    In conclusion, I hope your surgery goes well, but if not, there is still hope, and we will stay right by your side. You are not alone.

    Much love, thoughts, and prayers,

    Kaylie Evans

  14. How low and pathetic do you have to be to make nasty and unnecessary comments on a young girl's cancer blog? Go crawl into a hole, previous Anonymous.

    Rachel, your strength and bravery is amazing. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I hope you're doing well today. You have been in our prayers and on our minds all day yesterday and today. We won't stop praying for you!

    Lots of love and prayers,
    the E family

  15. Hey anonymous, the only thing delusional is your perception of how to should treat others. You don't have to belive in God to know the difference between right and wrong. I'll say a prayer that you find some happiness in your life.

    Rachel your awesome.

  16. Congrats Rachel!!! I look up to you a lot because you are so strong! I heard about your blog from CuteGirlsHairstyles and I have been reading it ever since! I sincerely hope that you get better. Sorry you have been feeling low lately. I wish there was some way I could help :( -Jordynn <3

  17. Anonymous, I would like to add my feelings toward your comment, along with the others. I find your comment to be offensive, and very rude. I respect your religious feelings, but I am furious at the fact that you feel the need to run over someone's religious feelings. You are more than welcome to have the feelings you have, but to force them upon another, in my opinion, is unacceptable. I cannot express my feelings further.

    Rachel, your example of faith, and hope, is amazing to me! Your faith in your Father in Heaven is an example to all of us. No matter the outcome, everything will turn out as it should. A great path lays ahead for you.

    I have been with you on your journey from the start, and I'll continue to support you today, and forever more. Rachel, you are not alone, we are here for you, and will continue to do so. Though you have never met me, nor probably ever will, I stand by your side.

    You are loved, and in my prayers at this time.

    Keep moving forward, remember, let your faith shine stronger than your fear.

    I'm so thankful for your example, and the hope you set for me every day. Your sense of humor, and love, always cheers me up when I need it most.

    Much love, and prayers,

    Kaylie Evans, and family

  18. I was unaware that my comment would offend others. The message I was trying to send was that although I wasn't raised in a religious household following Rachel's journey/story has given me faith therefore I have begun praying for her.

    Sorry for all the negative comments that have come in reply of my post Rachel.
    Wishing you all the best
    Jasmin xx

    1. Jasmin, it wasn't your comment that caused problems. There was another person who posted under "anonymous" who said something very insensitive. People responded to that anonymous (rather insensitively too, I might add) but then the post was deleted. That made it look like their comments were directed at you, but they most certainly weren't.

      Your comment about praying was beautiful! As for hoping you did it right, God hears all our prayers no matter how we say them and He knows the intents of our hearts as well. You have a good heart. :-)

  19. Praying for you Rachel!

  20. Dear Rachel;

    There is nothing wrong with feeling angry and weak. Even Jesus got angry, he also felt distressed as he was praying to His Father in the garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion.

    Mark 14:32-42
    They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.” 35 Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

    We do not need to be perfect, we just need to have an honest heart as you have. Remember we can't do it in our own strength, we need Him. Through Him we become strong to walk through trials like yours.

    2 Chronicles 16:9
    For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.

    Praying for you and your family.

    The Hollenbach Family.

  21. Is there an address or PO box or somewhere that we can send something? Do you or your family need anything? I want to help in some way!

    1. Yes email me at and ill send it to you!

  22. Oh my goodness Jasmin,

    I just realized that my comment was directed towards another, not you. I can see where it got off. I want to deeply apologize for my comment as it directed at another. I respect your beliefs, and your standards. I'm so sorry.


    Kaylie E.

  23. You can do hard things Rachel. Your strength is incredible, keep moving forward. I know you have already been blessed so much by your family and friends and the support and love they have for you.

  24. Rachel-
    You inspire me. Your words got me to my second round of chemo. I just kept saying to myself, "I can do hard things."
    Thank you Rachel for your bravery and strength.
    I am rooting for you girl!